You should practice your "rap body language". Also, a lot of the rhymes seems forced, and I would practise the delivery so it doesn't sound so choppy. I would have tried a fish effect or even try to get a hold of a fish eye, for that LL Cool J- Phenominon look. Over all I enjoyed it but thought if the rhymes would have been better/funnier it would have improved it a lot. Is "a lot" one word??