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-   -   Feedback on first 10 pages please. (http://www.indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=64828)

UneducatedFan 05-07-2018 09:19 AM

Feedback on first 10 pages please.
 
I have much respect for those who have been around (and run) this forum.

With that in mind, I and my writing partner have completed a tentpole sci-fi western feature. It's still somewhat "rough" as far needing a good trim and polish, etc. but I would love to get any and all feedback and criticism of the first 10 pages if possible.

Logline: On a planet at the edges of the explored universe known as the 'Shadowlands', the murder of a small mining town’s lawman sets in motion galactic events that threaten the existence of the town. With the arrival of the lawman’s estranged daughter and a mysterious visitor, the townsfolk attempt to push back against the forces that seek to destroy them.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=184...pCLToJHYUU0HOD

sathvikm 05-07-2018 11:17 PM

Its really good but having only one armed officer in an entire town with a ,for the lack of a better word, use less tin man is a bit far fetched according to me

UneducatedFan 05-08-2018 10:35 AM

Thanks!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sathvikm (Post 435874)
Its really good but having only one armed officer in an entire town with a ,for the lack of a better word, use less tin man is a bit far fetched according to me

Thanks for the feedback. I probably need to make it clearer that the town is a "has been" mining town. One step away from being a ghost town so one lawman is almost one more than needed.

Also I do need to clarify better that Tinman isn't a deputy or law enforcer. He's literally a maintenance/repair droid. He's just being called on to "bluff" at being backup. Also he has a greater role to play and the events and what happens to him come full circle at the end of the script.

So I do need to clarify the "bluff" Tinman is being put in a position to play at least earlier before the confrontation.

Thanks very much for the feedback.

UneducatedFan 06-19-2018 11:24 AM

Sorry to bump this but I went and re-wrote the first 10 based on the suggestions above and many others.

If you would like to read the new 10 and give any feeback, it would all be greatly appreciated.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1kZ...ouSb3OSDw_b2VT

Thanks in advance!

TheZoller 06-19-2018 06:25 PM

Well I haven't been around the forum long but if you want I'll give it a read and give you any thoughts. ?

UneducatedFan 06-19-2018 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheZoller (Post 437183)
Well I haven't been around the forum long but if you want I'll give it a read and give you any thoughts. ?

That'd be great and I'd really appreciate it. I have really thick skin so feel free to be brutally honest if it merits it.

I'm in the middle of rewriting the other 128 pages (was at 140, is down to 138 after rewriting those first 10) and hope to at least get it below 120 if not around 100-110.

Spawnkill69 07-08-2018 05:37 PM

How much are you looking for it?

joey1320 08-09-2018 07:46 PM

I like this a lot. I can't help on the script writing but I do like the story itself. The futuristic mixed in with the old Western makes it interesting.

Good work ;)

Adeimantus 08-13-2018 06:08 PM

Hey, UneducatedFan

I liked this -- it was fun. A bit hokey, but fun.

A few small things.

Your villain, Varok, starts off using the most god-awful stereotypical backwoods accent and vocabulary, which would be kind of fun if you maintained it. But after a few dialogue blocks, you drop it for the most part. Small snippets of it appear here and there (e.g., "What in the Sam Hill is going on?"). I'd suggest either go with it and commit to it (even if tongue-in-cheek), or drop it as an affectation.

Not a biggie, but generally, O.S. is used for screenplays and O.C. is used for teleplays. Is this a teleplay?

Your use of parentheticals to indicate pauses in characters' dialogue, or camera directions in general, causes a small bump for this reader. Is this a spec script?

Overall, it's a fun read. Keep at it!

-C

UneducatedFan 08-13-2018 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adeimantus (Post 438683)
Hey, UneducatedFan

I liked this -- it was fun. A bit hokey, but fun.

A few small things.

Your villain, Varok, starts off using the most god-awful stereotypical backwoods accent and vocabulary, which would be kind of fun if you maintained it. But after a few dialogue blocks, you drop it for the most part. Small snippets of it appear here and there (e.g., "What in the Sam Hill is going on?"). I'd suggest either go with it and commit to it (even if tongue-in-cheek), or drop it as an affectation.

Not a biggie, but generally, O.S. is used for screenplays and O.C. is used for teleplays. Is this a teleplay?

Your use of parentheticals to indicate pauses in characters' dialogue, or camera directions in general, causes a small bump for this reader. Is this a spec script?

Overall, it's a fun read. Keep at it!

-C

Thanks so much! You are right on.

Now to get to fixing it.

Adeimantus 08-17-2018 03:43 AM

My pleasure!

Remember, it's relatively easy to write a strong scene or two. What's damn hard is writing 60 or 70 of them and putting them together into a dramatic whole that works smoothly to tell a satisfying and enjoyable story. That's the real challenge!

Best of luck with it!


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