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All-Star Productions 03-26-2018 09:24 AM

My Newest Screenplay
 
Hey everyone!

I wrote a screenplay for a project I plan on submitting to festivals. If it's not a big hassle, could I get some notes? Or your thoughts on it?

https://www.dropbox.com/s/cvluyzfozi...20V4.docx?dl=0

Premise:

"The Influencer" is a comedy about a wannabe social media mogul who, when faced with the reality that he's not making enough money to pursue his dreams, is forced to get an office job. With his zany personality, can he adjust to the life of a normal person?

My main question to the audience is "does this script make sense?" I'm not sure whether a lot of ideas in the script need to be explained more thoroughly or not.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

directorik 03-26-2018 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by All-Star Productions (Post 434919)

I wrote a screenplay for a project I plan on submitting to festivals.

I think you should use standard screenplay format. It may
be a great script but using this format is off-putting to those
of us who read a lot of screenplays. I suspect any festival
you enter will prefer standard formatting.

All-Star Productions 03-26-2018 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by directorik (Post 434920)
I think you should use standard screenplay format.

Grrr! I thought I had it right but after a quick Google I see all of the formatting errors I messed up. Thank you very much for pointing them out.

Quality 03-26-2018 11:20 AM

To camera, off screen, cut too. Ahh! my eyes! I can't read this.

directorik 03-28-2018 07:40 PM

Okay. It's getting better. Your next step is to make it consistent.

I suggest dropping all the parantheticals. They aren't needed.
They are distracting. If you feel you need them then make them
consistent. Right now some of them are in all uppercase and some
of them are not. Use them sparingly and only when absolutely
necessary.

Same with “CUT TO”. I suggest you get rid of all of them. As a
reader I know that when there is a new slug line that means there
will be a cut. But if you feel you need to let the reader know there
is a cut there then you need to stay consistent. Right now you use
it sometimes but then not other times. Is there a reason you use
them between some scenes and not others? Is there no “cut to”
when you don't use it?

Spawnkill69 07-08-2018 05:48 PM

I think it should be a horror. Found Footage Horror make $$$$ and then sell me the script! Maybe the guys in the store come back to terrorize them.

joey1320 08-10-2018 07:02 AM

I hate to be negative but I got to the 10th page and stopped reading.

The conversations don't seem real and feel forced. The fact that Jack is 27yo, only has 43 followers online but hasn't figured out that he's not an online superstar is insanely far fetched. The dynamic at the office is unusual considering they just met this guy.

How older are the guys at the office when compared to jack?


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