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Thriller logline - opinions?

2001 Productions

2001 Productions

Hey gang! Logline for my new thriller screenplay:

After moving into a foreclosed home, a divorcee believes she is being terrorized by the previous owner: her ex-husband.
Click to expand...

First impressions? Does it make you want to know more, or is it, "meh"?

Many thanks in advance!
 
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Reading it did not grab me. But I can imagine the possibilities. It depends, I guess, on the size of the community and if kids are involved. If I divorced someone, I'd probably know where they lived to avoid them. Especially if there was domestic violence, which this suggests. I think it could work if there was more separation between the ex's role with the property.

Say, the foreclosed property needs renovations. Her ex, a handyman, is hired by the bank to renovate the property. While working, he discovers that she's the new tenant. He begins planting bugs and spying on her. Setting traps and leaving messages. As she starts bringing a new man into her life, he attacks him then starts after her. It gives you a chance to escalate his behavior

"Restarting her life after a nasty divorce, Linda finds only terror when she leases a foreclosed property from the bank."
 
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I'm going to agree with Sci-Fi in that it didn't grab me when I first read it.

Though there are obviously questions not posed: how long ago was the divorce? Any children? What was the cause of the divorce? Infidelity, and if so by whom? Was the property his personal real property prior to their marriage and that's why she was unaware of it being his or was it some pad he took his mistresses to whilst cheating on her that was listed under a relatives name?
 
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Not interested in the premise.

Either he actually is terrorizing her - or - someone else is terrorizing her (in some lame-O twist) - or - it's really a ghost - or she's nutting out.

Been there.
Done that.
Put a fork in it.

Yawn.
I don't care.

What else you gots? ;)
 
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Heheh, yeah, my mind went where Rayw's did with the ghost thing when I read it. But I guess I responded more positively to it than the others.

But yeah, what about something like (and I know I'm no one to be rewriting a logline for anyone):

After moving back into her ancestoral home which her ex-husband won from her in a bitter divorce, a divorcee is terrorized by his ghost.

Bleh. Clunky. The wording lacks elegance. I particularly dislike the close positioning of "divorce" and "divorcee."

Or, how about flipping it?

After moving back into the ancestoral home of her deceased ex-husband, a divorcee is terrorized by his ghost.

Ug. What about...

After moving back into the ancestoral home of her estranged husband, a woman is terrorized by his ghost.

Gees. I don't think I'm helping. Forgive me if I'm out of line playing around with it like that.
 
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Yeah, it's been done before, but that doesn't mean you can't make it really awesome. You could get really Hitchcockian with this premise.

The logline, itself -- I actually think the concept is just fine, I would only change the wording to make it more about setting up the obstacle, and what she must do to overcome it.
 
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It seems to me that the whole "foreclosed house" thing isn't nearly as important as the "being terrorized by someone" thing.

"While trying to start her life anew, a woman finds herself terrorized by the ghost of her ex-husband's banker..." or whatever...
 
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Great feedback, folks! Thank you!

Okay, now I know it definitely needs work. There is no supernatural element to the script, so I need to word it to eliminate that potential confusion...

The gist of the story is: the husband kept the house in the divorce settlement (bought her out) but couldn't keep up with the payments so the bank foreclosed. She (the protagonist) then bought back the house at a substantially reduced price. Strange things begin to happen in the house after she moves in, which quickly begin to escalate in severity. She's pretty sure it's her ex acting out of spite, but has no evidence. There is a heavy erotic element to the story as well, because someone is peeping on her and posting nude photos of her on the web, which she also believes is being done by her ex. She hires a private investigator to find evidence against her husband, but whoever is behind it always seems to be one step ahead of them.

So, now I need to summarize that into one intriguing sentence... :)

p.s. - there are no kids, she lives alone
 
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The gist of the story is the husband kept the house in the divorce settlement (bought her out) but couldn't keep up with the payments so the bank foreclosed she (the protagonist) then bought back the house at a substantially reduced price strange things begin to happen in the house after she moves in which quickly begin to escalate in severity she's pretty sure it's her ex acting out of spite but has no evidence there is a heavy erotic element to the story as well because someone is peeping on her and posting nude photos on the web which she also believes is being done by her ex she hires a private investigator to find evidence against her husband but whoever is behind it always seems to be one step ahead of them.


There you go. One sentence...
 
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Breaking it down..

the marriage fell apart because of "both of them"

the husband gets revenge by keeping the house
the wife gets revenge by having the sheriff kick ex-hubby out (foreclosure=trustee auction)
the husband gets revenge by small terrorizing actions...
the wife gets revenge by....

so to me this is a story about escalating revenge....

right or wrong, they are both aggravating the situation..

Former lovers deal revenge upon each other, upping the stakes each round, until one of them goes too far!
 
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Thanks for the suggestions.

This isn't about building the story, though. The screenplay is finished, I just want to word the log line in such a way that it piques a producer's interest in reading it.

My original log line above is a fair description of the piece, but I clearly need to punch it up some. There is mystery, sexuality, and violence in the story. The core of the piece is a woman being terrorized in her new house by an unidentified (until the end) person or persons, who she wholeheartedly believes is her ex getting back at her for taking advantage of his ill fortune.
 
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"After buying a home her ex-husband lost in a foreclosure, a woman learns she is being watched and believes her former spouse is behind a series of erotic attacks."


Or something like that...?

gelder
 
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My attempt:

After reclaiming her house, a woman starting anew notices that she may have reclaimed more than she bargained for.

or

After reclaiming her house, a woman starting anew notices that her past may not fully be behind her.
 
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Not to be a stick in the mud, but when I goto the Walgreen's Pharmacy and look at their $3.99 DVD bin I see a lotta Hollywood productions there of stuff I have zero interest in watching, let alone buying and watching.

Why do I wanna watch a thriller variant of Sleeping with the Enemy?
Either he's f#cking with her. Or he isn't.
It's a domestic violence story, or something so close that it smacks of it.

Then there's Enough.
Exchange spouse for roomie and you have Single White Female.

Meh...
Just not my cup O' tea, I guess.


The average gross of thrillers is fair, so there's clearly a viable market for them.
http://www.the-numbers.com/market/Genres/
Gopherit and good luck.


PS, maybe reviewing some of these will assist you.
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/11/top-100-loglines-for-scriptshadow.html
 
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Ray, you're right, the basic concept isn't exactly new. But again, the vast majority of movies aren't. A truly unique idea is pretty rare. But that doesn't stop countless filmmakers from putting a fresh twist on something that is tried-and-true.

2001, I think it's a good idea. Was I right, in hoping that you've got some Hitchcockian elements in it?

As for the logline, I think Gelder comes pretty close to what I think would work best. I'd probably leave out the part about the eroticism, just cuz that could paint an inaccurate picture that this is meant for Skinemax. In addition to what Gelder's got, I think I would add something about what she is doing. I think a good logline has to be active -- let us know what our hero is up against, and how she will respond to it. The logline should be about her, not just the situation she is in.
 
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arrodiii said:
After reclaiming her house, a woman starting anew notices that she may have reclaimed more than she bargained for.
Click to expand...

Ahhh, I'm rather fond of that one.


Their post-divorce struggle for ownership of the house propels a young couple to the extremes of violence and terror in this psychosexual thriller.

Uh. I suppose that's more like a line for a poster or something? Not to mention it sounds awfully War of the Roses. And, admittedly, I just love the word psychosexual for some reason. I like to use it whenever I get a chance. =P

Hey, this is fun.
 
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