feedback on my script so far?

[laurenvictoria]

its for my film portfolio for film school . it has to be fairly short, only about 10 mins

its about this utopian place where people go when they're having problems and stuff and this one girl goes there because she is stressed and thinks her life is horrible but after hearing why the other people are there she realizes her life isn't so bad

http://www.scribd.com/doc/61881673?secret_password=2dkhjoa2h9ufy24kf9ck

i still haven't finished the ending. but basically chloe tells alice why the other people are there and then finally why she is there (havent decided that yet)


all feed back is helpful

 

[mad_hatter]

Ok, so...

This is by no means horrible, it's a good start, but there are some problems.

1) Most noticable is that, on page 1, you haven't named the character speaking the dialogue each time (although you do a little later in the script). I understand it's continuous, i.e. the same character is speaking, but you should really have their name every time a new passage of dialogue is written. I could be wrong, this may be an accepted format, but I've never seen it before, nor have I ever seen it suggested as a format. You definately shouldn't mix-and-match formats, keep it consistant.

2) Probably the biggest problem here is the dialogue itself. Alice is talking to herself a hell of a lot on page 1. That doesn't happen in real life. It really feels out of place. Plus, you need to use proper punctuation and capitalisation at all times, it makes everything easier to read!

3) Any large lines of action need to be broken up. Consider the actions as a series of shots, when you shift the focus, add a line break.

4) Give us a short description of the characters to help us visualise them. Same as locations, a short description helps set the scene.

5) On page 2 you've written "Samson laughs". Who is Samson?

6) A continuation of point 1). On the last page you have a lot of dialogue from Chloe. You've split it up, with her name between different sections. Why? Do you intend to fill these gaps with action? I would if I were you...

Hope this doesn't seem too harsh, just trying to help! It's quite a nice concept you've got and like a said, this is a good start. Keep it up, a little spit-and-polish and you could end up with something really good.

 

[laurenvictoria]

Ok, so...

This is by no means horrible, it's a good start, but there are some problems.

1) Most noticable is that, on page 1, you haven't named the character speaking the dialogue each time (although you do a little later in the script). I understand it's continuous, i.e. the same character is speaking, but you should really have their name every time a new passage of dialogue is written. I could be wrong, this may be an accepted format, but I've never seen it before, nor have I ever seen it suggested as a format. You definately shouldn't mix-and-match formats, keep it consistant.

2) Probably the biggest problem here is the dialogue itself. Alice is talking to herself a hell of a lot on page 1. That doesn't happen in real life. It really feels out of place. Plus, you need to use proper punctuation and capitalisation at all times, it makes everything easier to read!

3) Any large lines of action need to be broken up. Consider the actions as a series of shots, when you shift the focus, add a line break.

4) Give us a short description of the characters to help us visualise them. Same as locations, a short description helps set the scene.

5) On page 2 you've written "Samson laughs". Who is Samson?

6) A continuation of point 1). On the last page you have a lot of dialogue from Chloe. You've split it up, with her name between different sections. Why? Do you intend to fill these gaps with action? I would if I were you...

Hope this doesn't seem too harsh, just trying to help! It's quite a nice concept you've got and like a said, this is a good start. Keep it up, a little spit-and-polish and you could end up with something really good.

thank you so much! yea i forgot about that samson part, he was a character i took out.

 

[directorik]

If you are using this as part of a portfolio for film school you should
use the proper screenplay format. And you should defiantly use proper
grammar.

In general you do not want to use "ing". That is called present progressive.
In fiction, it's used to indicate a secondary action continuing up until or
while the main action - the sentence's primary verb - occurs. "Alice sits."

"There are books and papers scatterd around her."

And find a more active way to show Alice is stressed. A movie is visual.
Sure, the actor can have a stressed look on her face, but you really want
to show that she is stressed - not just tell the reader she is.

"Chloe starts walking down the tracks." "Alice looks down then starts walking toward the woods."

People do not "start walking". In a movie, people walk. It is better writing
(and more active) to write, "Chloe turns and walks away." Or "Chloe walks
past Alice."

Also once Alice has left the tracks she is in a new location. You should indicate
that in the script.

I see where you're going with this. You make some pretty standard newbie
mistakes. Once you learn more about proper screenplay format and clean
up the mistakes you will have a nice script here.

 

[laurenvictoria]

If you are using this as part of a portfolio for film school you should
use the proper screenplay format. And you should defiantly use proper
grammar.

In general you do not want to use "ing". That is called present progressive.
In fiction, it's used to indicate a secondary action continuing up until or
while the main action - the sentence's primary verb - occurs. "Alice sits."

"There are books and papers scatterd around her."

And find a more active way to show Alice is stressed. A movie is visual.
Sure, the actor can have a stressed look on her face, but you really want
to show that she is stressed - not just tell the reader she is.

"Chloe starts walking down the tracks." "Alice looks down then starts walking toward the woods."

People do not "start walking". In a movie, people walk. It is better writing
(and more active) to write, "Chloe turns and walks away." Or "Chloe walks
past Alice."

Also once Alice has left the tracks she is in a new location. You should indicate
that in the script.

I see where you're going with this. You make some pretty standard newbie
mistakes. Once you learn more about proper screenplay format and clean
up the mistakes you will have a nice script here.

thank you! and i do not have to submit the actual physical screenplay, just the finished film. that is why i was not too concerned about grammer and spelling, although it is a good habit to get into. thanks again for the tips!

 

[directorik]

thank you! and i do not have to submit the actual physical screenplay, just the finished film. that is why i was not too concerned about grammer and spelling, although it is a good habit to get into. thanks again for the tips!

It never hurts a writer of screenplays to know the proper format. And
it's always good form when showing your work to others to take a
moment or two to present your writing well.

As you can see, when you do not take the time, that's what people
see and comment on. What you want is for people to comment on
your story and characters, not the method of delivery.

 

[laurenvictoria]

It never hurts a writer of screenplays to know the proper format. And
it's always good form when showing your work to others to take a
moment or two to present your writing well.

As you can see, when you do not take the time, that's what people
see and comment on. What you want is for people to comment on
your story and characters, not the method of delivery.

Very True! i did realize you guys were commenting on the format, rather then the story. i never thought about that. thanks for the advise!

 

[directorik]

Glad to help.

Now fix the rookie issues and let's see the script as it should be presented.

 

[laurenvictoria]

Glad to help.

Now fix the rookie issues and let's see the script as it should be presented.

Doing that now. Question though, in the beggining i have her speaking to herself, but thats not realistic, would it look realistic if the actress just appears stressed, and there is a v.o of her thoughts? or is that cheesy?

 

[laurenvictoria]

Glad to help.

Now fix the rookie issues and let's see the script as it should be presented.

alright i fixed a lot of it and added. how does it look now?

 

[mad_hatter]

You’ve still got Alice talking to herself, it doesn’t work. If this is a voice-over as you mentioned earlier (which, in my opinion, would work better), you need to state this with (V.O.) after her name, above the dialogue.

“Alice is a typical teen that deals with stuff all teens deal with but she believes she is the only one and is unhappy with her life...” You shouldn’t use statements such as this in a screenplay. You can’t show this on screen. If you can’t show it, don’t write it.

There are still a lot of ‘-ing’ words in the action. Get them changed.

Fix up the punctuation and capitalisation.

Keep at it!

 

[laurenvictoria]

You’ve still got Alice talking to herself, it doesn’t work. If this is a voice-over as you mentioned earlier (which, in my opinion, would work better), you need to state this with (V.O.) after her name, above the dialogue.

“Alice is a typical teen that deals with stuff all teens deal with but she believes she is the only one and is unhappy with her life...” You shouldn’t use statements such as this in a screenplay. You can’t show this on screen. If you can’t show it, don’t write it.

There are still a lot of ‘-ing’ words in the action. Get them changed.

Fix up the punctuation and capitalisation.

Keep at it!

]
thanks!

 

[arrodiii]

Here are a couple of notes that I jotted down while reading:

Why not have her talk to her self outloud while writing a to do list or something? And, not too take away from other commenters but I do think that people end up talking to themselves a bit more than what is said, especially if they are stressed and trying to get organized. Or maybe she has a pet that she's talking to.

Use (Cont'd) when her dialogue is broken up byan action line and she starts speaking again

Why the big space after Alice and her dialouge, "Oh shoot I forgot to do my practice...)?

"Chloe nods and realizes now that Alice is just a Typical"misunderstood" Teen. But continues to play along with it"

Why not just say that Chloe nods and she understands Alice's frustrations?

"She seems to be getting more upset with each person"

Why not say her temperment and demeanor changes while introducing each new person?

"These two here, they're  sisters,they're parents fight all the time,but last night, it was worse thanever."

What was worse - did the father beat her mother? Did their mother throw her father out with only the clothes on his back and lock him out?


Other than that, fix the punctuation, grammar and spelling. It is very reminiscent of A Christmas Carol.

 

[mad_hatter]

Arrodii, no offense intended, but you've given some bad advice there.

When have you ever heard anybody talking out loud to themselves? Do you do it? Have you ever heard the saying "talking to ones self is the first sign of madness"?

The use of CONT'D is not necessary. There's nothing to say you can't use it, I've seen literature that says you should, some that says you shouldn't. But, it's fine the way it is currently written.

You've suggested changing some of the current work to state "Chloe nods and she understands Alice's frustrations" and "her temperment and demeanor changes while introducing each new person". The way you've written these doesn't change anything. These statements still connot be shown on screen, so should never appear in a screenplay. How would we know she understands Alice's frustrations? If there's someway you picture it being shown on camera, write that down. "She understands" isn't good enough.

Why do you need to what was worse? Withholding information from the viewer can be an effective way of building tension or conveying emotion. That's up to the writer.

 

[arrodiii]

When have you ever heard anybody talking out loud to themselves?

In all actuality yes, I do, on occassion, talk to myself outloud, especially when I am trying to get things organized and I am busy doing multiple things at once. And I do hear it some while at the office. Have you never asked someone what they said and they replied, "Oh, I was just talking to myself?"

The use of CONT'D is not necessary. There's nothing to say you can't use it, I've seen literature that says you should, some that says you shouldn't. But, it's fine the way it is currently written.

I have heard that it is necessary and is the only reason why I mentioned it. Though I guess since she is going to film herself, then it might not make too much of a difference.

You've suggested changing some of the current work to state "Chloe nods and she understands Alice's frustrations" and "her temperment and demeanor changes while introducing each new person". The way you've written these doesn't change anything. These statements still connot be shown on screen, so should never appear in a screenplay. How would we know she understands Alice's frustrations? If there's someway you picture it being shown on camera, write that down. "She understands" isn't good enough.

Point well taken, though this is something that I wonder myself - at what point does one, as a writer, especially one who intends on filming their own script, leave a sentence like she wrote, or I sugggested, up to the actor and director to work out? I think that sometimes some extra wording can be left out to let the actor(s) provide their own interpretation of a charater to a particular action or emotion without it being written out or "holding their hand".

Why do you need to what was worse? Withholding information from the viewer can be an effective way of building tension or conveying emotion. That's up to the writer.

I ask for this because it seems like the previous person introduced had her problem explained and it seems that the writer intends on explaining the next one's reason(s) for being there. I mainly added this statement to keep with the consistency of showing the "backstory" portion of the persons introduced.

Arrodii, no offense intended, but you've given some bad advice there.

And no, there is no offense taken on my part. These were just notes of things that popped into my head durng the few minutes I took to read it. I am sur that she will take them for what they are, just my .02

 

[laurenvictoria]

haha thanks guys!

 

[me-only-me]

I read it. It is ok. First problem with it is what does Alice look like, how old is she, and what typical teenage problems is she dealing with. This is also true of Chole how old is she and what does she look like. My second is the dialoge does not seem to me to be fluid. It seems boring and unnatural (my opinon others my not find it). Now to end the debate on talking to yourself. If you use Psycolagy in it typically teenage girls tend to talk to a pet or stuffed animal then just to themselves. So you may just want to add a teddy bear that she is talking to. There's my opinions on what i read.

 

[laurenvictoria]

I read it. It is ok. First problem with it is what does Alice look like, how old is she, and what typical teenage problems is she dealing with. This is also true of Chole how old is she and what does she look like. My second is the dialoge does not seem to me to be fluid. It seems boring and unnatural (my opinon others my not find it). Now to end the debate on talking to yourself. If you use Psycolagy in it typically teenage girls tend to talk to a pet or stuffed animal then just to themselves. So you may just want to add a teddy bear that she is talking to. There's my opinions on what i read.

hahahaha i'm a teen girl and i HAVE NEVER talked to a teddy bear.
but thank you for the advice! i appreciate it

 

[directorik]

Write only what you can put on video.

As a director how do you shoot “she believes she is the only one
and is unhappy with her life”? What can you as director and the
actor do on screen to show Alice feels she is the only teen who
deals with stuff all teenagers deal with?

Are you a good enough director and will you have a good enough
actor in Chloe to pull of this: [Chloe]“is shocked that Alice
considers her life horrible because of some homework, but she
hides her feelings behind a smile.” How, exactly do you shoot
that?

In this case I think voice over wouldn’t work at all. I see the
inspiration in the story and the Carrrol Alice talks to herself.
The issue I have is what she is saying. This is called “on the
nose”. She tells us what is obvious. It seems to me you are not
going for realism so with an excellent actress and subtle
directing you might pull it off.

You sure have set yourself a very, very difficult task.

The writing issues aside this is a fairly typical story young,
beginning filmmakers attempt. It’s overly preachy for my tastes,
but I understand what you are trying to do. Teen boys tend to try
to be Tarantino or make movies about suicide, teen girls tend to
make movies about hope and understanding and finding a better
place.

Fix your writing.

 

[laurenvictoria]

thank you so much directorik. You are always so helpful and i really appreciate that. Especially since you give your advice on your own time, for free (i think), to answer these question. I actually do have a very good actress for the part, she is a classmate of mine in my acting class. I think i'm going to skip the voice over and show her stress through her actions, like you said. I think that would be a better route, and films school would appreciate that kind of story telling better. Once again i am SO thankful for your advice.


by the way. do you think it would be a good idea to give the actress those lines separately just so she has an idea whats suppose to be going through her mind?