"Vampires" short screenplay looking for feedback.
A short I wrote today because I wanted to write a short today. Read, digest, discuss if you would.
copy and paste has destoryed my formatting. when the names have a "D" next to them it is a line of dialogue.
VAMPIRES
INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT
A VAMPIRE MOVIE
Plays on a television in the small apartment.
JACY and TED
Are sitting on a couch across from the TV. Jacky is wearing a black dress and black stalking and Ted is wearing cargo shorts and a t-shirt with a trendy logo. They are both in there twenties.
TWO CATS
A WHITE CAT paces around with her tail up, she is angry. A BLACK CAT sits and howls a low deep howl.
TED D
Too bad you’re allergic to tomatoes.
JACKY D
Get her. Get her!
JACKY
Is rooting on the vampire in the movie.
TED D
Aren’t vampires cool?
Jacky doesn’t respond. She keeps her eyes locked on the TV screen.
WHITE CAT
Hisses off screen.
JACKY
Looks over to the cat. She hisses and shows off a fang.
TED D
What’s going on?
TED
Stands up and pets the cat. The cat bites Jim and he starts bleeding from his hand. He moves to the kitchen and washes his hand in the sink.
JACKY
Smells something in the air. She is drawn to the kitchen where Jim is washing his bleeding hand.
TED D
The bleeding won’t stop.
She moves closer to Ted’s neck until she can smell the blood flowing under his skin.
TED
Turns around as Jacky sinks her teeth into his neck. He grabs at her but she over powers him and brings him down to the floor.
JACKY
Drinks Ted’s blood until she has had enough. She gasps for air when she is done.
THE CATS
Immediately start licking the blood from Ted’s neck and hand.
JACKY
Stands up. She kicks Ted but he doesn’t move. She kneels down and smells the wound on his hand and his neck. She moves to the couch to fetch her coat. She pulls out her cell phone and dials a number.
JACKY D
Eddy. I got a corpse.
INT. APARTMENT – LATER
JACKY
Is pacing by the door holding her cell phone. She looks at her watch then out a window. Someone KNOCKS on the door. Jacky answers the door.
EDDY
Is on the other side. He is wearing a dark suit and dark sunglasses. He walks in the apartment and moves to where Ted is lying on the ground. He smells the wound on his hand and neck. He moves to the fridge and pulls out a bowl of spaghetti and smells it.
EDDY D
Garlic.
JACKY D
I forgot.
EDDY D
You gotta remember things like
This before you bite someone you
like.
JACKY D
It won’t happen again.
EDDY D
This guy is a corpse. Lets
Burn him before he turns undead.
JACKY D
They do that?
EDDY
Buts down the bowl of spaghetti and starts dragging the corpse towards the door.
JACKY D
Isn’t there anything we can do?
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
TED
Lies in the bathtub. He is breathing and opening his eyes. His body spasms but there are no clear movements or speech.
EDDY
Sits next to Ted holding a large knife. He cuts into Ted’s wrist. Blood pours from the wound.
JACKY
Stands in the doorway. She is unnerved by the sight. She looks on with a curios eye.
EDDY D
This should bleed slowly enough. When
He wakes up he either feeds or starves
To death.
JACKY D
How long does that take?
EDDY D
He should come it in an hour or so.
JACKY. D
No, to starve to death?
MONTAGE
Jacky and Eddy have left. Ted is in the tub through the next day until nightfall.
JIM
Gasps for air when he wakes up. He isn’t himself; he wakes up as if in the worst hangover imaginable.
INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT
TED
Is stumbling around the house. He moves to the fridge and pulls out a jug of milk. He drinks a mouthful then spits it out into the sink. He pours the milk from the jug into the sink but is surprised to see the milk isn’t sour.
He drinks some water to wash the taste from his mouth. He drinks some orange juice and it makes him gage. He drinks some Pepsi and it burns his throat. He grabs a bottle of tequila and chugs it. The liquor goes down with ease.
He strolls around some more and sits on the couch and falls asleep.
INT. APARTMETN – LATER
TED
Sleeps on the couch.
ANSWERING MACHINE D
(GIRL)
Ted, its me sorry for leaving like
that. Its not you, I swear its me.
I love you honey. See you in a few
Days, I’m coming home Sunday.
Ted is stirred by the sound. He falls off the couch and grabs the black cat. He bites into the cat’s neck and sucks some of its blood out. Ted rolls over and passes out again.
INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT
TED
Stands in front of the stove cooking a steak on a frying pan. He is talking on his cell phone.
TED D
No, no were not coming. Sorry.
Ted puts down his phone.
BOTH CATS
Stroll around.
SHEILA
Ted’s girlfriend walks into the kitchen. She is wearing a dress and high heels. Her hair is done and she is putting on earrings. She looks at the steak on the frying pan.
SHEILA D
Are you trying to kill me? You
know you really piss me off.
What’s this night thing you got
Going on? All of a sudden you
Don’t go out in the day, you quit
Your job you sleep all day.
TED D
I rather enjoy it.
Sheila goes into the bathroom.
SHEILA (OVER) D
Your so damn weird. Why cant
You be like normal people.
Jessica is going to be here soon
Put your pants on. And fix your
Hair it’s a mess.
TED
Turns off the stove and goes into the bathroom.
SHEILA D
We are running late.
SHEILA
SCREAMS off screen the falls to the ground with a THUD.
TED
Walks back into the kitchen and turns the stove on. He finishes cooking the steak and feeds it to the black cat. He picks up the small cat and takes it into the bathroom. Ted shuts the bathroom and door with the cat and SHEILA inside. He sits on the couch and turns on the TV.
INT. APARTMENT – LATER
TED
Sits on the couch like before. He is drinking from a container with a red liquid inside. He pets his black cat.
SHEILA
Wearing a bathrobe and dying her hair, walks into the living room.
SHEILA D
You could have given me one of
Those instead of making me bite
That damn cat.
THE CAT
Enters the living room.
TED D
Didn’t you like it?
SHEILA D
Shut up.
A short I wrote today because I wanted to write a short today. Read, digest, discuss if you would.
copy and paste has destoryed my formatting. when the names have a "D" next to them it is a line of dialogue.
VAMPIRES
INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT
A VAMPIRE MOVIE
Plays on a television in the small apartment.
JACY and TED
Are sitting on a couch across from the TV. Jacky is wearing a black dress and black stalking and Ted is wearing cargo shorts and a t-shirt with a trendy logo. They are both in there twenties.
TWO CATS
A WHITE CAT paces around with her tail up, she is angry. A BLACK CAT sits and howls a low deep howl.
TED D
Too bad you’re allergic to tomatoes.
JACKY D
Get her. Get her!
JACKY
Is rooting on the vampire in the movie.
TED D
Aren’t vampires cool?
Jacky doesn’t respond. She keeps her eyes locked on the TV screen.
WHITE CAT
Hisses off screen.
JACKY
Looks over to the cat. She hisses and shows off a fang.
TED D
What’s going on?
TED
Stands up and pets the cat. The cat bites Jim and he starts bleeding from his hand. He moves to the kitchen and washes his hand in the sink.
JACKY
Smells something in the air. She is drawn to the kitchen where Jim is washing his bleeding hand.
TED D
The bleeding won’t stop.
She moves closer to Ted’s neck until she can smell the blood flowing under his skin.
TED
Turns around as Jacky sinks her teeth into his neck. He grabs at her but she over powers him and brings him down to the floor.
JACKY
Drinks Ted’s blood until she has had enough. She gasps for air when she is done.
THE CATS
Immediately start licking the blood from Ted’s neck and hand.
JACKY
Stands up. She kicks Ted but he doesn’t move. She kneels down and smells the wound on his hand and his neck. She moves to the couch to fetch her coat. She pulls out her cell phone and dials a number.
JACKY D
Eddy. I got a corpse.
INT. APARTMENT – LATER
JACKY
Is pacing by the door holding her cell phone. She looks at her watch then out a window. Someone KNOCKS on the door. Jacky answers the door.
EDDY
Is on the other side. He is wearing a dark suit and dark sunglasses. He walks in the apartment and moves to where Ted is lying on the ground. He smells the wound on his hand and neck. He moves to the fridge and pulls out a bowl of spaghetti and smells it.
EDDY D
Garlic.
JACKY D
I forgot.
EDDY D
You gotta remember things like
This before you bite someone you
like.
JACKY D
It won’t happen again.
EDDY D
This guy is a corpse. Lets
Burn him before he turns undead.
JACKY D
They do that?
EDDY
Buts down the bowl of spaghetti and starts dragging the corpse towards the door.
JACKY D
Isn’t there anything we can do?
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
TED
Lies in the bathtub. He is breathing and opening his eyes. His body spasms but there are no clear movements or speech.
EDDY
Sits next to Ted holding a large knife. He cuts into Ted’s wrist. Blood pours from the wound.
JACKY
Stands in the doorway. She is unnerved by the sight. She looks on with a curios eye.
EDDY D
This should bleed slowly enough. When
He wakes up he either feeds or starves
To death.
JACKY D
How long does that take?
EDDY D
He should come it in an hour or so.
JACKY. D
No, to starve to death?
MONTAGE
Jacky and Eddy have left. Ted is in the tub through the next day until nightfall.
JIM
Gasps for air when he wakes up. He isn’t himself; he wakes up as if in the worst hangover imaginable.
INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT
TED
Is stumbling around the house. He moves to the fridge and pulls out a jug of milk. He drinks a mouthful then spits it out into the sink. He pours the milk from the jug into the sink but is surprised to see the milk isn’t sour.
He drinks some water to wash the taste from his mouth. He drinks some orange juice and it makes him gage. He drinks some Pepsi and it burns his throat. He grabs a bottle of tequila and chugs it. The liquor goes down with ease.
He strolls around some more and sits on the couch and falls asleep.
INT. APARTMETN – LATER
TED
Sleeps on the couch.
ANSWERING MACHINE D
(GIRL)
Ted, its me sorry for leaving like
that. Its not you, I swear its me.
I love you honey. See you in a few
Days, I’m coming home Sunday.
Ted is stirred by the sound. He falls off the couch and grabs the black cat. He bites into the cat’s neck and sucks some of its blood out. Ted rolls over and passes out again.
INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT
TED
Stands in front of the stove cooking a steak on a frying pan. He is talking on his cell phone.
TED D
No, no were not coming. Sorry.
Ted puts down his phone.
BOTH CATS
Stroll around.
SHEILA
Ted’s girlfriend walks into the kitchen. She is wearing a dress and high heels. Her hair is done and she is putting on earrings. She looks at the steak on the frying pan.
SHEILA D
Are you trying to kill me? You
know you really piss me off.
What’s this night thing you got
Going on? All of a sudden you
Don’t go out in the day, you quit
Your job you sleep all day.
TED D
I rather enjoy it.
Sheila goes into the bathroom.
SHEILA (OVER) D
Your so damn weird. Why cant
You be like normal people.
Jessica is going to be here soon
Put your pants on. And fix your
Hair it’s a mess.
TED
Turns off the stove and goes into the bathroom.
SHEILA D
We are running late.
SHEILA
SCREAMS off screen the falls to the ground with a THUD.
TED
Walks back into the kitchen and turns the stove on. He finishes cooking the steak and feeds it to the black cat. He picks up the small cat and takes it into the bathroom. Ted shuts the bathroom and door with the cat and SHEILA inside. He sits on the couch and turns on the TV.
INT. APARTMENT – LATER
TED
Sits on the couch like before. He is drinking from a container with a red liquid inside. He pets his black cat.
SHEILA
Wearing a bathrobe and dying her hair, walks into the living room.
SHEILA D
You could have given me one of
Those instead of making me bite
That damn cat.
THE CAT
Enters the living room.
TED D
Didn’t you like it?
SHEILA D
Shut up.
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