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Part of Clown car let me know what you think

donniker137

donniker137

EXT. ROAD -- NIGHT

The clown car is seen driving away, the circus can be seen in the distance.

RUNT
I have three hundred dollars and I am going to change my life.

EXT. GAS STATION -- LATER

RUNT is seen filling up the clown car.

RUNT
I didn't make it very far due to the fact that this custom made clown car only holds less than a gallon of gas.

A cop car pulls into the gas station. RUNT not phased by them finishes filling the car and goes inside to pay. COP #1 walks over to the car, uses his flashlight to get a better look. RUNT makes his way back to the car. COP #1 is blocking the door, he pushes by the cop.

RUNT
Excuse me.

COP #1
Running away from the circus pal?

RUNT
Yeah, how did you know?

COP #1
Just a hunch, have you been drinking clown?

RUNT
Drinking beer? Yeah I had a few.

COP #1
What's a few?

RUNT
Twelve.

COP #1
Really? You know that's against the law?

RUNT
I mean nine, I had eight.

RUNT starts up the car, it backfires a few times and begins to drive away. COP #2 turns the flashing lights on the car. COP #1 is still near the car, pokes his head inside the car.

COP #1
Pull over!

RUNT
Who me?

COP #1
Yes you.

RUNT
What did I do? The drinking? I'm almost positive it's legal. What state are we in?

COP #1
I said pull over!

RUNT still driving slowly.

RUNT
I didn't do anything.

COP #1
Just pull the car over before I hurt myself!

RUNT
Hang on a sec.

Stops car, doesn't put in park.

RUNT
I didn't do anything.

COP #1
I am going to need to see your licence and registration.

RUNT
Well I don't have that shit.

COP #1
Please step out of the car.

RUNT opens the door of the car and begins to get out the car begins rolling away he jumps back in and by accident steps on the gas. Cop #2 hit the siren on the car. RUNT stops the car and shuts it off.

RUNT
Sorry, my first time.

COP #1
I am going to have to put you under arrest. Please put your hands behind your back. You have the right...

The cop is interrupted by the surprise appearance of DEVIN with out his clown get up.

DEVIN
I'll take it from here copper. He's my clown. Runt what were you thinking?

DEVIN slaps RUNT.

COP #1
Sir you will need to not be doing that. Now step away.

DEVIN
No I'm good, I said I would take it from here. He's going back to be punished, no pay Runt!

DEVIN again slaps RUNT. COP #2 uses the siren again. Cop #1 motions to Cop #2 to join the action.


COP #1
Sir, please, you need to back away, this is police business.

DEVIN
I'm the cat that called you guys in, I'm not pressing any charges.

DEVIN again slaps RUNT. Cop #1 immediately takes his baton out and uses it on DEVIN's head.

DEVIN
Ouch! What the fuck man?

COP #1
Put the clown in the car.

COP #2 does so.

DEVIN
He's coming home with me, stupid fucking cop!

COP #1
Sir, step away from the scene or I will bash your skull in.

DEVIN
You can't just hit me like that! You got rules, you have to follow the rules.

COP #1
Brig me the zapper!

DEVIN in a blink of an eye runs away, he can be seen looking back.

DEVIN
I'll get you Runt!

INT. JAIL -- LATER

RUNT is seen smoking a cigarette, he share the cell with an older looking man by the name of MONROE, his sounds like W.C. Fields. MONROE is reading a book entitled HOW TO ESCAPE FROM A JAIL CELL.

RUNT
I, clown, hate being a clown in jail.

MONROE
Hey can you keep it down clown?

RUNT
You heard that?

MONROE
Heard what? You haven't said anything since you've gotten in here.

RUNT
Oh, sorry.

MONROE
What are you in for?

RUNT
I stole a car, I was drinking. I didn't even know that was against the law.

MONROE
Well drinking isn't. Drinking and driving is. I think stealing a car might be breaking a law as well.

RUNT
Well yeah. You think I'll be here long.

MONROE
Oh yeah, hours.

RUNT
Shit! Why are you here?

MONROE
I killed a man.

RUNT's eyes widen, he puts his head down.

Guard brings two trays of food. The GUARD is a fat Mexican who seems very happy.

GUARD
Here you are clown, here's some food.

RUNT gets up and grabs the trays, hands both to MONROE.

GUARD
Your a clown, that's great! I bet you know how to juggle.

RUNT
Yeah, I do actually. I was wondering if I could be moved to another cell?

GUARD
Know any magic tricks?

RUNT
No, I don't do magic. This guy is dangerous and I really would like to be moved.

GUARD
Dangerous? He didn't pay child support, he's no dangerous.

RUNT
Yeah, plus he killed somebody!

GUARD
Killed someone? Monroe, what are you Billy the Kid?

GUARD walks away laughing.

RUNT
You didn't kill anyone?

MONROE
Not technically.

RUNT grabs the second tray of food back from MONROE.

RUNT
I'm fucking starving.

RUNT begins to eat the food very quickly, not chewing very well.

MONROE
I was married to a woman with face like a dartboard. We had a couple of kids and then she wanted a divorce.

Suddenly RUNT stands up, tears form in the corner of his eyes. He spits the food in his mouth out.

MONROE
Are you choking?

RUNT
No. I hate it when this happens.

MONROE
What's going on?

RUNT begins to spit in the toilet.

RUNT
Sometimes when I eat fast, I get food caught and it won't go down.

MONROE
Well try to get it back up.

RUNT
It's just stuck, it won't.

MONROE
Guard!

RUNT
No that's OK.

Spits in the toilet

MONROE
Why are you spitting?

RUNT
Because if I don't I'll puke. Nothing goes down.

Spits in the toilet, GUARD is seen.

MONROE
Guard!

GUARD
Yeah I'm here. What's going on with him?

MONROE
He's choking!

RUNT
I'm not choking, I just have a bit of food caught, it won't go down.

Spits in the toilet

GUARD
He's not choking, you can't talk when your choking. That's why they got that international sign for choking.

Does the international sign for choking.

GUARD
You know that sign man?

RUNT
I'm not choking

Spits in the toilet.

MONROE
Could I please be moved to a different cell?

GUARD
Man, we don't have a different cell.

Spits in the toilet.

MONROE
Well maybe get him some water. I don't drink the stuff, fish make love in it.

RUNT
Could you two just leave me be? It'll go away it just takes some time.

MONROE
Get him some water.

Spits in the toilet

GUARD
Clown are you choking?

MONROE
Get him some water.

GUARD
Clown I'm going to get you some water!

RUNT
No thanks.

MONROE
Get him some water.

GUARD
I'll be right back.

Spits in the toilet

MONROE
Could you stop spitting? It's a bit gross.

RUNT
If I stop spitting, I'll puke.

MONROE
Fine try to get it into the toilet then. Wipe your face.

RUNT
Just please, let me be for a bit.

MONROE
My aunt once got a chicken bone stuck in her throat, it was there for years.

RUNT sits on the floor next to the toilet. He is now breathing heavy. Now making vomit noises, with no vomit.

MONROE
Get it up buddy. Maybe if I rub your back. I'm not going to, but maybe it would help.

GUARD is seen with water.

GUARD
I got the water!

RUNT
Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrtttttttt aaaaaaarrrrrtttt aaaaarrrrrttttt!

GUARD
Water

RUNT
It'll go down.

INT. JAIL -- LATER

RUNT is wet. He is seen drinking water. This is the first time seeing RUNT without make up. He has wiped most of it off with a wet towel. MONROE is now reading a different book entitled WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?.

MONROE
What the fuck was that man?

Reach me at donniker137@aol.com
 
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LOL, I read it all. Not bad, not bad at all.

DEVIN again slaps RUNT. COP #2 uses the siren again. Cop #1 motions to Cop #2 to join the action.

***Ask a real cop to be sure but I think COP #2 would already be there next to his his parnter, move this action to say, here...

The cop is interrupted by the surprise appearance of DEVIN with out his clown get up.

- - - -

***I'm believing it right up to this point...

Sir, step away from the scene or I will bash your skull in.

***Cops don't say things like that, well, at least not outside of LA.
- - - -

Okay, hard to tell since it seems you've posted the middle of it but I like it in a quirky sort of way. I'd love to read the whole thing to find out what is going on. You've peaked my curiosity. I like the characters and the set up. The book changing titles has me worried though. Seems it's the only metaphysical thing you've got going and I'm wondering why. I have to agree with filejumper somewhat, the dialog needs some work but nothing I couldn't get through okay. Then again you're talking to the guy who enjoys Monkey Pop-up Theater and sock puppet pornography. :D
 
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...I thought it was funny :)

...David Letterman used to have a clown called 'Flunky' on the show. Flunky was as 3rd rate as you could get and sounded as though he would rather be anywhere but there. He had full make up on but it looked as if it had been on for about 24 hours. His big shoes were falling apart and he was wearing the clown outfit, but no gloves...well, he was smoking, smokers cough and all...did I mention he swore a little?...

...that's what this made me think of and I laughed. Its kind of a 'what the f---' kind of story. The gross out humor doesn't always work with me, once is enough, but lots of people liked American Pie and Something About Mary...I gotta rent these or something...

...you might have something there, lots of people, myself included, like weird stuff....

--spinner :cool:
 
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Scriptwriting isn't a strenght of mine so I can't be too critical but i found some parts rather clichè, particuarly the cop using his flashlight to search the car. I did laugh at the drinking part "12, i mean 9. I had 8."
 
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With all due respect lux there's clichè and then there's reality. Cops use a flashlight to look into everybody's car at night doesn't make it clichè it makes is a safety necessity.
 
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FilmJumper said:
To be honest... I couldn't read too much of this at all...

Way too cliche... All the dialogue is on the nose...

You asked.

filmy
Click to expand...

this person is right. You shouldnt have to ask someone to read the whole screenplay. If they put it down after a couple of pages it is because it is boring, and no matter what you do a boring screenplay is a bad screenplay. If the reader cant get through the first few pages then start from there and work you your material.
 
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It's not a logic problem at all, good Boz. It's the writer's responsibility to initially capture, then maintain, interest.

That also includes formatting.

If the writer can't do the above in the first few pages... what is there to lead one to believe that it may get better later on?
 
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Boz Uriel said:
OUCH! bit of a logic problem there summer02, I know lots of people who can't/won't sit though the first act of a Shakespeare play.
Click to expand...

Give me thier names and emails and I'll add them to the Macbeth 3000 DVD pre-order list. :D

I read about half of this and gave up. I'm not sure if it's the formatting, the dialogue, or the fact that it seems to go nowhere. It's quite a bit of filler. I'd suggest cutting down on a lot of dialogue, and trimming the jokes to more concise laugh points.

PS- the cop doesn't even seem to have a definitive character. He goes from a casual slang to barking non-sensical orders that seem ripped right out of COPS. Every character who affects the story in some way needs to have a definitive characteristic. If you want, make him very wanna-be-butch, and his partner very feminine. That way, cop #1 would have a reason to get all tough, because he wants to impress his partner with his toughness and law-handling.
 
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Thank you all for the comments, I wasn't trying to sell it to anyone, just wanted to hear what people thought. That's what this place is all about I love it. To be fair that wasn't the opening scenes. Not saying you'll like these much better, but maybe we'll get some more dialog going. again thank you all for taking time, to say something.




FADE IN:

INT. BACK SEAT OF CLOWN CAR -- NIGHT

RUNT is seen in the corner of an emptied out clown car. He is seen in full clown gear. He lights up a cigarette. He seems to be in deep thought, nothing can be heard except for him inhaling and exhaling the cigarette.

RUNT
I, clown, don't have a home. I, clown, don't have vacation time. My days off are the hours spent in the back of a green bus between towns. My salary never changes. I, clown, don't have 401K. I, clown, will never be up for a promotion.

Other clowns begin to squeeze themselves into the tiny vehicle. Most are very rowdy. One, grabs the cigarette from RUNT and begins puffing away. RUNT without flinching lights up another. RUNT is very somber.

RUNT
This is how we make our big entrance. Twelve of us pile into this car. The crowd is always amazed with how many clowns can be squeezed into this tiny car. I am considered the ~runt of the bunch. I'm always the first one in and the last one out. We don't actually travel very far maybe forty feet, but for me it's hell. My clown friends aren't the most gentle of clowns by any means.

An ungentle clown is seen smashing into his face by accident. RUNT shows great excitement for the next speech.

RUNT
Asshole, get off!

Back to somber.

RUNT
A foot to the crotch or an elbow to my nose is usually the norm.

INT. SMALL DRESSING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Devin is a tall skinny clown known as the leader, or head clown. He is flirting with a young woman she is not impressed.

DEVIN
Could you be a dear and pass me my nose. If you want to be in my trailer around eleven, I'll make your world...spin.

He bends over and when he comes up he gives a yell. He puts the red foam nose over his coke covered nose.

DEVIN
Spin! Rock!

INT. BACK SEAT OF CLOWN CAR -- CONTINUOUS

We see RUNT looking at his watch.

RUNT
Devin is the head clown, he should be in here by now. He drives us into the big top. He likes to take his time. Making me suffer more than I really want to. He takes a percentage of what the circus makes and gives us clown what he thinks is fair. I make about four hundred a month.

DEVIN finally shows up.

DEVIN
Are you clowns ready?

CLOWNS
Yeah!

DEVIN
Let's do these people some good, remember no swearing. Please spit out your gum, don't let the children see you eat, smoke or drink. Keep it clean brothers.

DEVIN starts the vehicle up, the CLOWNS begin to laugh and yell.

RUNT
Runt or black sheep is where I fall.

RUNT
Please stop, you're on my nuts!

INT. BIG TOP -- MOMENTS LATER

The crowd begins cheering for the clown car. The car stops. DEVIN gets out first and does a little dance. He taps on the car three times and the CLOWNS begin springing out of the car.

INT. BACK SEAT OF CLOWN CAR -- CONTINUOUS

RUNT is seen eating a bag of peanuts.

DEVIN
Runt put the food away.

INT. BIG TOP -- CONTINUOUS

RUNT stretches a little as he gets out of the car he looks around, he isn't acting like the rest of the CLOWNS he seems to be lost. The other CLOWNS a running around juggling and performing.

RUNT
I, clown, am out of here.

RUNT jumps back into the car this time he is in the driver's seat. He starts the car up. The car back fires a few times. Almost out of control he drives back out of the tent. A clown is seen pointing at RUNT. DEVIN's eyes widen.

DEVIN
He won't get far.

A pie is seen smashing into DEVIN's face.

EXT. ROAD -- NIGHT

The clown car is seen driving away, the circus can be seen in the distance.

RUNT
I have three hundred dollars and I am going to change my life.
 
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How ironic that Devin tells the clowns to keep it clean after he powders his nose:).

Boz Uriel said:
With all due respect lux there's clichè and then there's reality. Cops use a flashlight to look into everybody's car at night doesn't make it clichè it makes is a safety necessity.
Click to expand...

As I said, I am not a writer but I can only go by my experience and feelings towards the script. My understanding of a clichè has nothing to do with reality, but whether an idea is overused. In reality cops would use flashlights and dying war victims would say "tell my wife i love her" but what makes them both clichè's is the fact that they are both over used in film which has no connection with reality.
 
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it's the blue wire

Is it the flashlight that makes it cliche? How about the fact that they are in cars is that cliche also? Just messing around, or am I? Thanks Steve I don't see any of my dialog in there. I was going to use the red green wire for a scene but maybe not now. I was thinking about that red green wire thing the other day. See I work rooftop ACS (HVAC) and old ones are never wired the same, different color wires etc. made me think about the which wire to cut scenes. anyways... I shouldn't be posting I am too tired
 
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If you don't let the cop use the flashlight in the car then anybody who's ever been pulled over at night is going to say that's not real. To me a flashlight shine and other small details like these are as innocuous as the "he said" dialog tag in novels. I think of them as small but necessary details. Your eye tends to skip right over but your mind notices everything is in order. For a police officer not to shine his flashlight in a car at night would stick out like a sore thumb. If the police officer dropped the flashlight, hit Runt in the face well that's not clichè but it may not be something the writer wants.
 
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Boz Uriel said:
For a police officer not to shine his flashlight in a car at night would stick out like a sore thumb.
Click to expand...

Surely a flashlight is not the only way of convincing an audience that an officer is doing a thorough job. If I were to direct a movie with a police officer searching a car, I would try to make it original, and if I could pull it off without the audience saying "where was the torch?", then that would be a good piece of directing (imo). With a good script, editing and directing, there is no reason why things should stick out like a sore thumb. Basically I think a scene shouldn't be restricted by the trends previous movies have set.
 
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