Ok, discussions go in this thread. (orginal thread http://indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=4688)


I'll start.


My first scene is very cliche, but i think it sets the mood and leaves a lot open to the next poster. I hope this screenplay becomes a fun past time style thing...not tedious and all serious.

Rizien,

Great job on gettin this set up! I hope people contribute and have a good time. When I get a break, I may even contribute.

I still plan to set up a wiki screenplay site with a script I wrote a long time ago. But I am glad you didn't wait around for me to get things started.

Looking forward to this!

Cyan

haha no problem, this isnt really waht you described, but its how i see it working here on indie talk.

How bout pokes addition? I like it, starts out all nice then BAM farmer gets dropped. good stuff :) lets see some more!

How bout pokes addition?

Personally my favorite part of all of it is the dog. I love lazy dogs.

Poke

haha, i wish i had a lazy ferret, this guy is hyper as all crap... I can picture the dog having a floppy face, with lips that flop all around with each puff :)

I think we should leave the young man nameless.

Poke

Yes, unless someone can think of a really really good/sweet name, but i vote for nameless.

... unless someone can think of a really really good/sweet name.

Besides Poke

I always wanted to write a screenplay with a nameless protaganist, but all mine usually end up with names.

Poke

lol yea, lets keep this one nameless, so you can achieve your goal.

I just added my scene.

We should name it "No one".... or keep it nameless and choose one at the end.

Since the second scene had YOUNG MAN in it, I took it as that scene happened BEFORE scene 1. So I continued on from the First scene.

I think poke's young man IS youngman 2. This still works though, because it can be him doing his second hit, or whatever it is hes doing. I want someone else to contribute before i go again...i've got a few ideas, but i dont want to hog it...So you other people start writing some scenes!

He is YM2. From now one, there is only one young man. And let's keep the story completely linear to avoid confusion.

Poke

ok, so tell it in chronological order, but i guess you can say in big bold letters FLASHBACK or something, if you wish to show a flash back. But yea, linear story, only one YoungMan (since YM1 got merked)

Perhaps we should use the character names to avoid confusion. Like MAN(B.R.), YM1, YM2, EDDIE, etc

I was just a little confused when it was stated "the young man" in scene2. I just thought that "the young man" was YOUNG MAN 1.

Should I rewrite it and keep it linear?

Please let me know.

and WHERE"S THE OTHER CONTRIBUTERS?

Ok, from now on YM2 is youngman 2, just use YM2.

No you dont have to, that scene can be after the farm incident. Maybe someone will develope the plot to fill that part in later on.

Ok, from now on YM2 is youngman 2, just use YM2.

No you dont have to, that scene can be after the farm incident. Maybe someone will develope the plot to fill that part in later on.


The young man should no longer be YM2 or Young Man 2, Young Man 1 is dead, thus leaving only one young man. To be honest, riz should have named both characters (or at least the one who got done away with) in the original post, but then we couldn't have a nameless hero.

From now on, the only Young Man in the script is our protag. Okay?

Poke

sounds good. Just dont name anyone else Young Man #, things will get confusing :)

Damnitjim... I want to talk about the story but I don't want to influence anyone's script with my thoughts on the character and story progression. I just wish someone would step up to the plate and put down the next scene.

Why hasn't anyone else added a scene yet?

Let's go here people.

I dont know, i dont want to add to it just yet, but i fear i may have to.

YO!
I think this screenplay is:
1. too burried for people to find it. (I had to use the search function)
2. Going to be between Poke, rizen, and myself.

SO, should we carry on?

yes, i have to go to work, so you or poke bump it up with another addition, i'll get one going later tonight.

Is there no one else who would like to add a scene?

Poke

I'll just read along as it progresses.

I've tried participating in these before, and I have a tendency to rapidly devolve them. :abduct:

devolve it then Zen, we'll salvage what you ruin! :)

I agree... devolve it... That's the best thing about these types of things, the emotion, pace, etc... changes

So you post your scene and we'll pick-up the pieces.

I mean, I'm sure that the MAN may have been expected to live through out the story but I killed him off. So, now there's only 2 characters that we know are alive, YM2 and EDDIE.
Will YM2 end up being the lead?
Is he the hero?
What will happen now, since he killed the MAN?

Don't post your answer here, write it in the script section:

http://indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=4688

I see that someone added to the script...


Who's next!!! let's get this party started! :D

I liked your addition Will ... one problem though ... I am now more confused than ever.

Would love to here suggestions.

Poke

Well here's how I see it thus far.. the first scene is technically the beginning of act 3.. then it jumps back to act 1 with the guy in the field, and progresses on from there, YOUNG MAN has gotten a name, 'Billy' and YOUNG MAN 2 has gotten a name, 'Jack'.

The story I see forming is that they work together for this guy, and Billy is kind of the screw up. Jack is the "cleaner".. cold, very business oriented, and good at what he does. Billy does what he has to, but he often screws up the plan, making more work for Jack, he's also more humanitarian, and just in the business for the money.. doesn't like killing people, but he gets ahead of himself (like with the farmer) and just pops off rounds into someones chest before thinking about it. He's a loose canon in that sense, but he doesn't necessarily WANT to be.

I think what we need to know is who these guys work for, and what 'mission' are they on? Obviously this little farmhouse incident isn't bad enough for the guy to get rid of Billy, so what does he do later that totally seals his fate? I'd say, given that he's not very happy with his job, he's trying to get away from it, in doing so slips up and lets the attractive FBI chick (who should be introduced in the next scene examining the remains of either the building Coot wrote about, or the now exploded farmhouse) get too close to the truth about her case. Perhaps he gets tangled up with her somehow because he's trying to get away and thinks she might help him?

Need more? :D

Incidentally, if you didn't catch it, the cause of the farmhouse explosion was:

- Gas leak in basement...
- Hot water running

This gives us a big bang when the water heater has to kick on to heat more water.. :) Probably want some kind of insertion in there somewhere to show this spark just prior to the house exploding.

Also, the purpose of Jack removing the bullets is to make it look entirely like the cause of death was the gas leak.. assuming of course that the bodies are incinerated enough, and that the spilled blood doesn't carmelize on the floor and such.. ;)

=====

Aww crap, I didn't realize the guy Coot killed off was the MAN from the first scene.. that just doesn't work. Grrr. Unless, EDDIE becomes the new MAN.. Or maybe they're working for multiple people..

...or unless you pull the infamous "Dallas" solution to continuity problems. http://www.stevenrichards.com/images/smiley_fatdog.gif

Yes ... I got that your scene was a continuation of mine, but it was completely ignoring Coot's scene ... Now, we could do that (if it's okay with Coot) and go from here or we can figure out a way to go from here or just scrap this one completely and start a new one.

Poke

Well.. if we do start over, I'd say coming up with a basic story line is probably the best bet for a jumping off point.. that will give it a LITTLE direction.. ;)

Ok I have read through everything several times and I think the continuity is intact. The story is being told a bit out of order though.


If you were to place the actions in order this is what has happend

POKE- the ym1(AKA Billy) is witnessed making the pick up and shoots the farmer and his wife (oops)

RIZIEN-Billy is killed for his flub
-YM2(aka Jack) is assigned clean up duty

WILL- Jack cleans up

COOT DOG- Jack snuffs the Man

ok so far so good.

my question is what happened after WILLS entry that made our boy Jack go all postal on his boss.

I hope my entry doesn't just make more of a mess of things. Im pretty sure I've got it straight. Kinda curious to know if ultimatly it will be revealed why the story is being told out of order.

By the way I feel really bad about killing off the Kid. I love children.

Haha, that adds drama and feeling and emotion!

Im down with starting a new one, And maybe laying out some ground rules like

Genre - Character Names - Overall Plot - etc....

Ya you have to have a general direction for it if it's going to work out with any consistency.. otherwise it will just have to be rewritten by one person so it makes sense.. ya know, after it's finished.

Although that will probably still be the case if it's done within a framework of 'ground rules'
:)

Well since this one is kinda screwed up, I vote to scrap it and start a new.
We gotta come up with rules and such... Like what is a scene?

Is a scene one location? One feeling in a story? One location but multiple angles and locations within the master scene?

huh?