So here is a short story I wrote this morning..

I'm planning to shoot it for film festivals..

What do you guys think?


Here is the link (https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0B0mxCCM9gdK3NDE3NGU4ZGYtZTFhYi00ZTU1LWE4OTE tMWVjNGU1ODk3NTE5&hl=en_US)


UPDATE: New BETTER title (https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0B0mxCCM9gdK3OWU5ZTk4ZjQtNmE3ZC00ODMwLWE4M2E tZmZiNTMyMTFlZmZm&hl=en_US)

Ok first of all I loved the script, and I'd love to see it made. Especially the ending, caught me off guard and I loved it. I'd def change the title though. "It came from the Land that Time Forgot" had me thinking of some dinosaur or creature movie, not a romantic drama.

How do you read a Daft?? :)

Beatlesfan1225 - thank you very much for reading it!
my girlfriend talked me shooting this short, so I have no other choice :)

I agree on the title. I just googled some stupid b-movie titles. I'll have to think something catchy!



Murdock - oops.. my bad.. wish i could change that..

Beatlesfan1225 - thank you very much for reading it!
my girlfriend talked me shooting this short, so I have no other choice :)

I agree on the title. I just googled some stupid b-movie titles. I'll have to think something catchy!



Murdock - oops.. my bad.. wish i could change that..

I've done the same thing. :)

I love the story. You did a great job. There were a couple problems with your script formatting.

V.O. is for a voice that is unattached to an actor. In the initial scene, the ideas is that the woman and his friend are off screen (O.S.). Narration or mental thought are examples of voice over (V.O.). When someone is under the table or behind a door or not visible but present, you'd use Off Camera (O.C.). Nowadays, O.S. and O.C. are used interchangeably. It's a small issue but one that is significant if you do other scripts to know the difference between V.O. and O.S./O.C.

You also use "Girl 1" but really she's the only girl. In this case, it won't hurt to use her name, "Mary". If you were writing a mystery and had a compelling reason to not tell her name, you could conceal it. This is one instance where it's okay to tell the reader something that may not be immediately known by the audience. If you want to keep it a secret, that's fine. I would simply say "GIRL" though. Later, when you first introduce her character, make a note in the character "GIRL (MARY)" then continue as MARY.

Neither of these are major issues for this script. I mention them for future writing. The story is very well written. Great job!

FantasySciFi - Thank you for noting these problems!
I'm changing it right now.

I REALLY liked it a lot. I enjoyed it so much I sent it to one of my friends! Agreed the title is the only bad part. You need to come up with a title that makes sense only after reading the end. It would tie everything together nicely! If I come up with anything Ill let you know.

campbmic - wow, glad you enjoyed it!
I'm trying to come up with good catchy title.. work in progress!

ahh what happened to the link? I was showing it to this guy who has done some pretty great work and now we cant access it.

Oops my bad, i was playing around with different setting on google.

Should be up right now.

Let me know what your friend thinks :)

I like it. :)

Murdock - *high 5*

Murdock - *high 5*

Top Gun style:yes:

uAopLTK4qVs

excellent.
thats the only way to hi five

So, after playing around with different movie titles, here it is:



Hush





What do you think? Simple, clean, and easy to remember

I like it. Something a little more light hearted could be: Put it in a Memo.:)

Its good. however, consider the story.

Boy is insecure about his ability to speak to girls
Conflict develops, boy sees pretty girl but can't talk to her
Boy tries and tries to solve problem and success! Finally says words
Boy approaches girl and FAIL! STUDDERS! all hope is lost
Girl is deaf! Nice guy wins YAY!

I dont know if that is what the story line actually is but thats what I got. Maybe if you write out a short synopsis a name will more easily come to you?

Part II same story line but with Tourettes!

"How ab-f**k about d-d***it..dinner?"

PS dont listen to me Im still writing my first screenplay (yours gave me to motivation to put some thoughts on paper)

Hmm, I 'll have to think more about the title..

Never knew the title is such a pain in the butt to come up with!



Part II -- excellent idea ;-)

another one I was thinking is "want to get some dinner?"

The idea is good, but...

In the first scene you establish the protagonist's conflict:he's got a problem speaking, hence not able to connect with the girls he likes. I wonder: Why didn't you show the girl and chose to go with a V.O.? It's interesting to see the reactions from both sides.

Then the guy's goal becomes overcoming his speech problem. Not unlike The King's speech. But look how brilliantly they've done it: through conflict and the character's revealed through the choices he makes when under pressure

I think the way your character tries to overcome his problem is a cliche. You didn't do enough work on relating to your protagonist enough so at least you, let alone me, have an empathy for him.

Then, there's this Girl. Ok, boy meets girl, but I didn't feel the action/reaction between them.The scene where she quickly looks at him and he slowly looks at her is... Well... You end up having a couple of pages which if you're silly enough to shoot, the editor will cut out anyway.

AT THE END: A More powerful ending for me is: he does finally overcome his speaking problem BUT THEN HE FINDS OUT SHE CAN'T HEAR HIM And please, think of a more interesting way for her to let him know she can't hear

Title: Give me a pen ))
Good luck!

GIVE ME A PEN

Because it sums up the desire of both characters

Those are good ideas. Rewrite time! ;)

time for rev B..