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watch Flatmates - Understanding Women - Short Comedy

J

jonnywalks

Hi All,

This is my second comedy attempt for 'Flatmates'. I expanded on the characters, adjusted the shots, lighting and tried a slightly different writing style. The "book" was created as a prop by Cathy who also plays "Jill" in the short.

Please let me know what you think even if it's "OK", as it's hard to improve without any feedback. I'm relying on you all to comment so I can make my work better. At present I feel like I'm in a void! Stuck in my own head guessing as to what impression it will make on people and it's dark in here. :)

Embed:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq7-ywNR16o

Direct URL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq7-ywNR16o


Hope you enjoy, Jonny Walks
 
I think it was a good start but I was hoping he would have a good comeback and make her want him badly and then they shag. Ha...... Yeah it was a good start but I felt it needed more of an ending it felt more like a begining of the story and I was waiting for the conclusion.

Ideas: He goes on the date and uses his new found ideas from the book. Or my first idea of him turning the tables on her and bedding her. How about he brings his date back and then the flatmate girl gets jealous that would be great. To add to this idea he could have a girl pretend to be his date bring her back to the appartment to make the flatmate girl jealous then later bed the girl because she will jump in his bed after seeing him with the other girl. Just an idea.
 
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Cute! Very nice.
I love your actors.
Keep 'em. Keep writing more material for them.

The quality of camera work is fine for each left-right switch shot in regards to framing & lighting.
However, when looking at the female the screen is largely yellow gold, when looking at the male the screen is largely brown.
the back and forth gross change in lighting was more distracting than his makeup.

Audio capture was really pretty good.
Some room echo on the loud outbursts.
Kinda need to knock it down some.

The intro music blared right over the dialog.
Gotta fade down that music.
Can't have 100% dialog + 100% music all the time.
I like my music "suggested" in the background at around 35%, especially when there's dialog to muck up.

GL!
 
Thanks so much for watching and taking the time to comment, certainly lots to think about and try out. Much appreciated! :)

Onto the next attempt!

Thanks, Jonny
 
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