Okey dokey, I read through my entire draft today (which, in itself, is quite incredible) and I found a lot of things I want to change and mistakes I need to fix up. And then, here's the really amazing thing, I actually started doing that. Granted it was at 20 past midnight, but still.
The outcome of this is, it's 2:30am and I have 22 scenes that I've revised and that are now ready for human consumption. This is still a draft though, I'm not saying it's finished. Since it's late and I'm tired, a little hungry and slightly delirious, I'm gonna go ahead and share these scenes with you all.

There is a fair bit of adult content (drug use, sex scenes, swearing and so on).

Clicky click (https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0B-4oNStFi4uSYjc3ZGZjMGUtNmM1OS00MGQ4LTk4MDEtYTRhY2E4 OGUwMmIy&hl=en)

So, forum at large, what do you think?

I will give this a read and get back to you. At 30-pages I want to put aside some time (not just when online, clicking about) so my attention is focused. Does it wrap up on page 30 or is there more? I didn't see THE END. This isn't a quibble... just wanted to be certain it's not a feature in progress. ;)

Congrats on getting so much done, ICH! I, too, am dling and want to print it out since it's a substantial amount. I will then give it a read in the next few days. I look forward to it. :)

Yay :D Thank you <3

This is a feature lol. At the moment there are 109 pages, but this is what I've revised so far from my first draft.

Thanks again :D

Bird, you and I must have been posting at the same time, but as it turns out, my response works for you as well lol :D

:D

I will be honest, this is not the sort of stuff I normally read. I'm sort of an escapist. But, I'm working to expand my horizons, as they say.

I love that your descriptions and narrative is clean. But one of the difficulties for me is that you throw a lot at the viewer. Within the first ten pages you introduce us to about eight characters. As a person who has a hard time in real-life putting names with faces, it was a bit overwhelming. I would have Kaitlen introduce Hen to maybe 3-4 of the key characters and introduce the rest later.

I get the sense that the whole first section with the old letter leads to the youthful flashback but I was really whipped around by: sex scene (past/present?), letter scene (present), skateboard scene (past?).

I question the relevance of the initial sex scene (Echo & Hen). It needs more context development and transition to the Letter Messenger scene that follows. They seem disjointed.

The scene with the boys seems like excessive small talk. Since the party is the focus, it might help to have them mention it (prime the pump) so when Kait and Hen talk later about it, she is giving more detail and less background.

This felt more like the dialogue snippet from the lull part of a movie--the slow steady climb after the thrill of going over the first hill of a rollercoaster. I'm sorry to say there was no first hill for me.

After reading the first ten pages, I don't get a good sense of what this film is about. Part of that is because of the mixing of times. You need to set the movie premise and context before you start jumping in time. If the sex scene is pivotal, amplify it more. When you jump to the letter scene, it would help to have a date flash along the bottom--"Twenty years later ...". The transition from the letter to the skateboard scene seemed rather abrupt.

I think the dialogue and visuals were good. I would have liked them to be more purposeful in advancing or explaining the plot. What I got was "misfit kids pressure a new girl into going to a party and use drugs." And because there were so many characters, I had to keep flipping back to see who Brandon and Jason were.

I didn't dislike it. The first 12 pages just didn't grab my interest. And again, that may be due to my own interests.

"Okey dokey, I read through my entire draft today (which, in itself, is quite incredible) and I found a lot of things I want to change and mistakes I need to fix up."

Wow, I can't wait to read this!!!

"Okey dokey, I read through my entire draft today (which, in itself, is quite incredible) and I found a lot of things I want to change and mistakes I need to fix up."

Wow, I can't wait to read this!!!

If you don't want to read it, you don't have to. There's no need to be that rude.

I'm not much of a script analyser. Just wanted to say good on ya', for getting started. :cool:

Practise makes perfect. Keep at it. :)

Unlike polfilmblog I think it's good that you've posted this with all the problems that you saw after your first reading. All writers could go back and find faults with their work (even in their final draft) and that's part of the craft. Posting it here will give you a chance to have people take an objective look at the early draft, which is of great use.

So I promise to read this when I get the time. It's quite long, but I'll give it a shot.

congo mate!Will read it this weekend :)

I will be honest, this is not the sort of stuff I normally read. I'm sort of an escapist. But, I'm working to expand my horizons, as they say.

I love that your descriptions and narrative is clean. But one of the difficulties for me is that you throw a lot at the viewer. Within the first ten pages you introduce us to about eight characters. As a person who has a hard time in real-life putting names with faces, it was a bit overwhelming. I would have Kaitlen introduce Hen to maybe 3-4 of the key characters and introduce the rest later.

I get the sense that the whole first section with the old letter leads to the youthful flashback but I was really whipped around by: sex scene (past/present?), letter scene (present), skateboard scene (past?).

I question the relevance of the initial sex scene (Echo & Hen). It needs more context development and transition to the Letter Messenger scene that follows. They seem disjointed.

The scene with the boys seems like excessive small talk. Since the party is the focus, it might help to have them mention it (prime the pump) so when Kait and Hen talk later about it, she is giving more detail and less background.

This felt more like the dialogue snippet from the lull part of a movie--the slow steady climb after the thrill of going over the first hill of a rollercoaster. I'm sorry to say there was no first hill for me.

After reading the first ten pages, I don't get a good sense of what this film is about. Part of that is because of the mixing of times. You need to set the movie premise and context before you start jumping in time. If the sex scene is pivotal, amplify it more. When you jump to the letter scene, it would help to have a date flash along the bottom--"Twenty years later ...". The transition from the letter to the skateboard scene seemed rather abrupt.

I think the dialogue and visuals were good. I would have liked them to be more purposeful in advancing or explaining the plot. What I got was "misfit kids pressure a new girl into going to a party and use drugs." And because there were so many characters, I had to keep flipping back to see who Brandon and Jason were.

I didn't dislike it. The first 12 pages just didn't grab my interest. And again, that may be due to my own interests.

Yay :D Thank you very much.

I can see the problems you've pointed out, so I'll try to make it all clearer. I had a narration in the first scene and then in later scenes and I decided to take that out and didn't even think about whether or not people would be able to follow the time changes without it. I think I might get rid of the first scene altogether. Without the narration it doesn't really work.

The scene where Hennley meets Kaitlen's friends has been re-written so much lol, so I'll keep working on it :D

Thanks so much for reading and giving me such awesome feedback. Hopefully when I finally finish it will be all the better for the people here :D

I'm not much of a script analyser. Just wanted to say good on ya', for getting started. :cool:

Practise makes perfect. Keep at it. :)

Thank you <3 You're the bomb!

Unlike polfilmblog I think it's good that you've posted this with all the problems that you saw after your first reading. All writers could go back and find faults with their work (even in their final draft) and that's part of the craft. Posting it here will give you a chance to have people take an objective look at the early draft, which is of great use.

So I promise to read this when I get the time. It's quite long, but I'll give it a shot.

Well this is the stuff that I have actually gone back over. Maybe he didn't read that far lol.

Anywho, that is exactly why I'm posting it (for objective opinions). The people here always help me so much and it's really hard for me to actually write something structured. I tend to just sit at home all day watching tv or refreshing facebook and indietalk. And either eating heaps, or not eating all day. Haha, isn't depression fucking hilarious?

Ooh, sorry, that looks a bit snarky doesn't it? Didn't mean it that way. I heart you Nick :D I can't wait to hear what you think <3

congo mate!Will read it this weekend :)

Yay! I'm looking forward to everyone's thoughts. Thanks muchly :D

Ok, I've read the first 13 pages. In general I like what I've read so far but I do have a few things that I noted down as I was reading. These are just little bits that occurred to me which I think could help make things clearer or just snappier. But as I say, on the whole, I've enjoyed what I've read so far.

I'd be inclined towards a little more exposition at the start. I had to hunt out the pronouns in order to work out what the genders were, so that could definitely be clearer.

There are a few occasions in the dialogue where I think an ellipsis would be more appropriate than a comma, simply for the benefit of reader and actor. The dismissal in this scene seems a little abrupt. Do we need to hear those pleasantries being exchanged? At the start of the scene you jump cut from them being at the door to them being in the kitchen and I would recommend doing the same thing in reverse. Hold the tension in the living room (or wherever they're sitting) for a second and then cut to them at the door exchanging these pleasantries. Just a recommendation but it should help the flow of the dialogue.

I agree with FantasySciFi that we're being slightly overloaded with people. There are a lot of names flying about in the skateboard scene, so perhaps you could focus on introducing the crucial characters rather than all the gang. I think that letting the audience know that one of them is Hogan might be enough because then we know we're in the past. My curiosity was also piqued by one of the character's saying they downloaded some music. I was under the impression we are thirty odd years in the past. Is the present day stuff set in the future or have your past characters got their mitts on technology from the future? This scene also left me a little confused as to whether the characters had met Hennley before. At the beginning she seems to be being introduced, but she very rapidly becomes comfortable with them. That might be part of her character but the shift from shy to playful comes across as a little abrupt.

I'm assuming that the next scene follows on almost directly, in which case I'm wondering whether you need the break or whether these couldn't be amalgamated? The introduction of Megan needs to be more synchronized with the previous introductions, in my opinion. It's very brief and given that we already have six or seven characters to think about might add a layer of confusion. The more lucid you can get these characters in the mind of the audience, the better.

I'm wondering, from the subsequent conversation, whether the relationship between Kaitlenn and Hennley is completely clear. Obviously there's nothing wrong with hinting at things but I think you need to explain why they seem to be such good old friends and yet she doesn't know anyone in the area. I assume that she's moved there and you allude to some sort of family crisis, but I think it might be a little too cryptic. Some of the dialogue here is pretty snappy and the talk about drugs is good (drug talk often comes across badly in screenplays) but I'm not 100% convinced about the whole Echo business. Perhaps you should make the connection between Hennley and Echo more apparent in the previous scene. Obviously we've seen them having sex in the first scene of the film, but I didn't pick up on much of a connection in the second scene they're together. In fact I thought she was flirting with the guy called Alex. So I'd adjust that to make the 'eye fucking' a script note. I'd also suggest throwing slightly more ambiguity into Kaitlenn's belief that Hennley's interested in Echo. At the moment you're using her in lieu of putting a supertitle on the screen saying 'HENNLEY AND ECHO WANT SEX'. We already know that they'll end up having sex, so I think you can afford to be more realistic in terms of Kaitlenn's enquiry about them.

Another thought I had is that in the first scene they're three years older than they are in the later scenes. How is that going to come across? Presumably a director would use the same actors for the younger versions of the character so if you want the audience to know that they're a different age in scene one from later scenes like the skateboarding one, you might have to think up something. Otherwise I think people will watch those opening few scenes and assume that Hennley and Echo are going to be having sex at the party that night, thus linking up with scene one. If that's your intention then please ignore.

EDIT: I might also add that each of these paragraphs roughly equates to each different scene. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Ok, I've read the first 13 pages. In general I like what I've read so far but I do have a few things that I noted down as I was reading. These are just little bits that occurred to me which I think could help make things clearer or just snappier. But as I say, on the whole, I've enjoyed what I've read so far.

I'd be inclined towards a little more exposition at the start. I had to hunt out the pronouns in order to work out what the genders were, so that could definitely be clearer.

There are a few occasions in the dialogue where I think an ellipsis would be more appropriate than a comma, simply for the benefit of reader and actor. The dismissal in this scene seems a little abrupt. Do we need to hear those pleasantries being exchanged? At the start of the scene you jump cut from them being at the door to them being in the kitchen and I would recommend doing the same thing in reverse. Hold the tension in the living room (or wherever they're sitting) for a second and then cut to them at the door exchanging these pleasantries. Just a recommendation but it should help the flow of the dialogue.

I agree with FantasySciFi that we're being slightly overloaded with people. There are a lot of names flying about in the skateboard scene, so perhaps you could focus on introducing the crucial characters rather than all the gang. I think that letting the audience know that one of them is Hogan might be enough because then we know we're in the past. My curiosity was also piqued by one of the character's saying they downloaded some music. I was under the impression we are thirty odd years in the past. Is the present day stuff set in the future or have your past characters got their mitts on technology from the future? This scene also left me a little confused as to whether the characters had met Hennley before. At the beginning she seems to be being introduced, but she very rapidly becomes comfortable with them. That might be part of her character but the shift from shy to playful comes across as a little abrupt.

I'm assuming that the next scene follows on almost directly, in which case I'm wondering whether you need the break or whether these couldn't be amalgamated? The introduction of Megan needs to be more synchronized with the previous introductions, in my opinion. It's very brief and given that we already have six or seven characters to think about might add a layer of confusion. The more lucid you can get these characters in the mind of the audience, the better.

I'm wondering, from the subsequent conversation, whether the relationship between Kaitlenn and Hennley is completely clear. Obviously there's nothing wrong with hinting at things but I think you need to explain why they seem to be such good old friends and yet she doesn't know anyone in the area. I assume that she's moved there and you allude to some sort of family crisis, but I think it might be a little too cryptic. Some of the dialogue here is pretty snappy and the talk about drugs is good (drug talk often comes across badly in screenplays) but I'm not 100% convinced about the whole Echo business. Perhaps you should make the connection between Hennley and Echo more apparent in the previous scene. Obviously we've seen them having sex in the first scene of the film, but I didn't pick up on much of a connection in the second scene they're together. In fact I thought she was flirting with the guy called Alex. So I'd adjust that to make the 'eye fucking' a script note. I'd also suggest throwing slightly more ambiguity into Kaitlenn's belief that Hennley's interested in Echo. At the moment you're using her in lieu of putting a supertitle on the screen saying 'HENNLEY AND ECHO WANT SEX'. We already know that they'll end up having sex, so I think you can afford to be more realistic in terms of Kaitlenn's enquiry about them.

Another thought I had is that in the first scene they're three years older than they are in the later scenes. How is that going to come across? Presumably a director would use the same actors for the younger versions of the character so if you want the audience to know that they're a different age in scene one from later scenes like the skateboarding one, you might have to think up something. Otherwise I think people will watch those opening few scenes and assume that Hennley and Echo are going to be having sex at the party that night, thus linking up with scene one. If that's your intention then please ignore.

EDIT: I might also add that each of these paragraphs roughly equates to each different scene. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

First of all, thank you so much :D

'The dismissal in this scene seems a little abrupt. Do we need to hear those pleasantries being exchanged? At the start of the scene you jump cut from them being at the door to them being in the kitchen and I would recommend doing the same thing in reverse. Hold the tension in the living room (or wherever they're sitting) for a second and then cut to them at the door exchanging these pleasantries.'

I'm confused lol.

I see the point about introducing too many characters, I think because I know them all, I forget that nobody else does. Good point about her change in character. Another thing I wouldn't have picked up on. I'll try to figure that out better. Although, I did do that somewhat intentionally, along with a throwing in a bunch of made up music references because I wanted to make the viewer/reader feel that same sense of confusion that Hennley feels. There's all these new people and they have their own jokes and music and history and she's overwhelmed by it but in awe of it at the same time. Does that make any sense?

Hennley explains more about Kaitlen in later scenes, but I don't know if that would clear it up or not. Have to see when we get there I guess.
As for Hennley and Echo, again, once someone points it out, you realise it. Like I said, I know these characters and I know what happens between them, so it's hard to really see if things are clear or not.

I totally did not think about how to illustrate the changes in time visually because in the script you can see their ages written down. Just a slight slip up there lol.

Also, good catch with the downloading. Yet again, I did not even think of that.

Dialogue feels quite genuine (half my student friends were stoners) and i like the banter between characters, name calling etc.

I think you could benefit from a little more scene description in places, otherwise great!

Dialogue feels quite genuine (half my student friends were stoners) and i like the banter between characters, name calling etc.

I think you could benefit from a little more scene description in places, otherwise great!

:D Thanks very much. I find it hard to find a happy medium when it comes to description lol. Thanks for the feedback <3

First of all, thank you so much :D

'The dismissal in this scene seems a little abrupt. Do we need to hear those pleasantries being exchanged? At the start of the scene you jump cut from them being at the door to them being in the kitchen and I would recommend doing the same thing in reverse. Hold the tension in the living room (or wherever they're sitting) for a second and then cut to them at the door exchanging these pleasantries.'

I'm confused lol.

Yer, I thought this didn't seem obvious from what I've written. That was probably because I forgot to mention what part I was talking about :blush:

Ok, when grown up Hogan and Hennley are chatting about the letter that someone (Echo?) gave them before he died the conversation rattle tattles along nice and smooth. But when it gets to its obvious conclusion for you as a writer, then you have Hogan say something like 'I think I should go now'. It just seems a little bit quick and a tad abrupt.

My recommendation: At the start of that scene Hogan comes to the door. They speak briefly and then you jump cut to them seated and having the conversation (I think. If not, you should :) ). I would say that you should mirror this by ending that scene whilst they are still sitting there, then cut to them exchanging parting pleasantries at the door. That way you'll avoid that conversation seeming a little rushed...

Aaah I follow you now. Makes sense, I'll put it on the list lol.

Thanks again <3

Just saved the PDF for viewing. This script have a title? If so I missed it.

Just saved the PDF for viewing. This script have a title? If so I missed it.

It does, but I haven't mentioned it and it's not on what I uploaded. It's called Hennley's Echo :)

I'll give it a read once I am away from work and I can access it. Congrats btw.

On page 7, this line seems a little clunky, it doesn't flow smoothly when spoken out loud.

HENNLEY
That is nowhere near as
reassuring as I’m sure you meant
it to be.

This is an interesting script. There are a lot of things to like. I like the "name" conversation between Hennley and Echo. I noticed a lot of good uses of subtext.

Page 10-rebelion? should be rebellion.
Same page-choclate should be chocolate.

Page 16-HENNLEY
Oh, of course, der. Does der mean something in British?

Page 21-HENNLEY
Well you’re only young. British grammar?

Page 27-They each fiddle with their mobiles. So this is the 2000's?

Page 29-their should be they're.

Sooo... does the second scene take place around 2030? (Since the next scenes have cell phones and DVD's) That's going to be an interesting costume challenge.

Good job so far, can't wait to read the rest.:)

Page 16- Does der mean something in British?

Page 21- British grammar?

From an Australian? Psssh :)

On page 7, this line seems a little clunky, it doesn't flow smoothly when spoken out loud.



This is an interesting script. There are a lot of things to like. I like the "name" conversation between Hennley and Echo. I noticed a lot of good uses of subtext.

Page 10- should be rebellion.
Same page- should be chocolate.

Page 16- Does der mean something in British?

Page 21- British grammar?

Page 27- So this is the 2000's?

Page 29- should be they're.

Sooo... does the second scene take place around 2030? (Since the next scenes have cell phones and DVD's) That's going to be an interesting costume challenge.

Good job so far, can't wait to read the rest.:)

I think Americans would spell it 'duh' :D

Argh! A couple of those mistakes are typos, my bad. I have the inline spell checker turned off because it tries to tell me different character names aren't words and words that I spell the Aussie/British way aren't correct. And I tend to write in the early hours of the morning, so as you can imagine, my hands just kinda flop about and my brain goes at a completely different speed. I'm sure any one who's ever written anything would agree, it's easy to miss your own mistakes sometimes. So yeah, thanks for pointing those out :)

I suppose people automatically assume what we see in the present is our present (2011) which would make the past a lot more into the past than I intended. Again, that's another thing I probably wouldn't have picked up on. I'm thinking the way to get around this is to make the older Hennley and Hogan younger. Not set it so far into the future of their lives. I dunno. I'll figure it out- just need to sit and think about it for a bit.

Thanks for the feedback and compliments :D <3 It is very much appreciated

I'll give it a read once I am away from work and I can access it. Congrats btw.

Cheers, can't wait to hear what you think :D

From an Australian? Psssh :)

Hey, you stay out of this! Go drink some tea and look at photos of the queen :p

Okay, I finally got to read this. (started a new job) First, I want to pay you the highest compliment. From your dialogue, I knew this was your work. I base this on what I've gleaned of your personality through your posts. IMO, you're starting your career with a key component (in place) towards defining your personal aesthetic. So, I really have to say congratulations on that accomplishment, alone. As noted above, there are grammatical and continuity things to address, but nothing a number of good editing sessions can't remedy.

Nick has really hit some of the nails on the head, so I won't reiterate. I know this is a first draft and you'll probably discover that some scenes can be eliminated or combined/condensed with others. Here's my thoughts on these pages in this regards: I don't think you need the first scene (prologue) of the young Hennley and Echo. Opening with middle-age Hennley receiving the letter then moving into the flashback sequence wouldn't be as confusing. I also think that flashback sequence could start with the party, the first imagery (after Hennley handling Echo's posthumus letter) we see being Echo's face. Much of the cool banter you have during Mall/Skateboard scene could be exchanged during party as Hennley is introduced to these ancillary characters. (love all the band names you generated. lol I was wondering, WhoTF is Monkey Head Cocktail, silly younguns.)

I think the chat between Kaitlyn and Hennley during the 'Run down Suburban Street' (the parts where Kaitlyn alludes to Echo's problems) scene could happen the next day after the party...Kaitlyn would not know that Hennley and Echo had already slept together thus making Kaitlyn's line, "We've known each other for like, ten years. I know exactly what you're thinking, and my advice is, 'don't get involved with him'." ,much more profound, especially if Hennley were to answer, "I already am".

I think playing with switching scenes would be a major help with suspense. Have you tried that old trick, one scene per index card and then shuffle, experiment? It really is a fun and concrete way to *see* the many ways an act can resolve. :)

I also like the dynamic you're setting up with the older sister, as well.

Really well done, ICH! When I think of the crap I wrote on my first venture.....:seeya:

Okay, I finally got to read this. (started a new job) First, I want to pay you the highest compliment. From your dialogue, I knew this was your work. I base this on what I've gleaned of your personality through your posts. IMO, you're starting your career with a key component (in place) towards defining your personal aesthetic. So, I really have to say congratulations on that accomplishment, alone. As noted above, there are grammatical and continuity things to address, but nothing a number of good editing sessions can't remedy.

Nick has really hit some of the nails on the head, so I won't reiterate. I know this is a first draft and you'll probably discover that some scenes can be eliminated or combined/condensed with others. Here's my thoughts on these pages in this regards: I don't think you need the first scene (prologue) of the young Hennley and Echo. Opening with middle-age Hennley receiving the letter then moving into the flashback sequence wouldn't be as confusing. I also think that flashback sequence could start with the party, the first imagery (after Hennley handling Echo's posthumus letter) we see being Echo's face. Much of the cool banter you have during Mall/Skateboard scene could be exchanged during party as Hennley is introduced to these ancillary characters. (love all the band names you generated. lol I was wondering, WhoTF is Monkey Head Cocktail, silly younguns.)

I think the chat between Kaitlyn and Hennley during the 'Run down Suburban Street' (the parts where Kaitlyn alludes to Echo's problems) scene could happen the next day after the party...Kaitlyn would not know that Hennley and Echo had already slept together thus making Kaitlyn's line, "We've known each other for like, ten years. I know exactly what you're thinking, and my advice is, 'don't get involved with him'." ,much more profound, especially if Hennley were to answer, "I already am".

I think playing with switching scenes would be a major help with suspense. Have you tried that old trick, one scene per index card and then shuffle, experiment? It really is a fun and concrete way to *see* the many ways an act can resolve. :)

I also like the dynamic you're setting up with the older sister, as well.

Really well done, ICH! When I think of the crap I wrote on my first venture.....:seeya:

Thank you so much :D <3

I like the idea of combining those scenes, I can see that working a lot better. I'll see what I can do when I get into it next.

That index card thing could be useful too, I'll have to give it a try.

Lol, you should see the short stories I used to write. Urgh.

Thanks again >.<