Fernando Smallhands
11-15-2010, 05:36 AM
Hi all
I havent been around here for a while, I am currently working on a short film script titled "Echo Lake" to run at around 25 minutes to half an hour.
This is a rough first draft and I would appreciate any feedback you could give, constructive criticism is what I need now and I hope you find the time to read, and maybe enjoy, the script.
https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0B345-bV3rfo5ZTNlOGM5NzUtMzAzNi00ZjVlLTljMmItMjVjZTdlZjI 2ZDIy&hl=en&authkey=CNDkh7UK
insert_cliche_here
11-16-2010, 01:55 AM
You need to sort out your formatting and sluglines. Maybe check out a couple of scripts online to see how they're layed out.
Your description and action should be showing, not telling. The audience doesn't have a little guy popping up in the corner going 'that's his wife', but they can see the matching wedding bands they each wear. Does that make sense? It should also all be in present tense. Every thing is happening moment to moment, don't go from 'the car drives...' to '...eventually indicating'.
Hopefully that makes sense :)
Those are just a couple of things I noticed on the first page. I made the exact same mistakes at first.
Fernando Smallhands
11-16-2010, 04:19 AM
These are some good pointers, thank you
Fernando Smallhands
11-16-2010, 05:37 AM
I have revised the text, keeping in consideration your recommendations
Many thanks for taking the time to read the first time. If you get chance to review the new version I would be most grateful
If anyone else has any thoughts on how this could improve I would be most interested to hear them.
insert_cliche_here
11-16-2010, 07:14 AM
Cool beans, I'll check it out when I get a chance :)
NathanH
11-16-2010, 08:33 AM
The descriptions are pretty good! Try to imagine how the dialogue flows, there are a lot of very short lines by the same character at the start that feel awkward.
Fernando Smallhands
11-16-2010, 08:59 AM
I think from the comments previously made the act of "showing rather than telling" can be applied to your comments.
I feel that if I remove the dialouge all togther until they reach the house, the fact that they have suitcases and belongings in the car signals that they are moving? What do you think
thanks for the comments, very helpful and thought inspiring
