Smiles?

insert_cliche_here

insert_cliche_here

The universe is kinda kicking my head in right now, anyone got any words to make me smile?

Heh. This is kinda lame, but it's 3am, and this is kinda the only place I can think of to go for some cheering up. By actual humans, as opposed to a website with lots of funny pictures contributed by faceless people (those aren't working any more).

So yeah. Who's got a joke or something?
 
This joke works 99.987% of the time:

___________________

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

____________

How'zat? :)
 
Lol. That was pretty funny. I have a feeling people with a corporate background might find it funnier though. I don't really know what a consultant is...
Thank you <3 I laughed, which means mission accomplished :)
 
Zensteve said:
This joke works 99.987% of the time:

___________________

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

____________

How'zat? :)
Click to expand...

lololol!

@insert: I once searched my pockets for my wallet while unconsciously holding it in my other hand the whole time...
 
How about the cleanest dirty joke I know...

A young boy is at the zoo with his parents. They are looking at the elephants and the boy is staring very hard at an old bull elephant with a quizzical look on his face. Finally he walks over to his mother and asks "Mommy, what's the big long thing on the elephant" to which his mother replies "That's his trunk dear." "No mommy, further back." "That's his tail." "No mommy, up just a little further." Mom gets flustered and tells her son "Ummmm.... that's nothing dear."

The young boy keeps staring at the elephant. Finally he walks over to his father and asks "Daddy, what's the big long thing on the elephant?" "That's his trunk, son." "No daddy, further back." "That's his tail, son." "No daddy, up just a little more. Mommy said it was nothing."

"Son, your mother's been spoiled."
 
Lol, good on ya :P My mum often asks me in a somewhat flustered voice "where are my glasses?" to which my reply is lovingly "on top of your head you senile old bat!"
Thanks for reminding me that my parents are pretty cool sometimes <3 :)
 
I've always thought underpants to be a funny word, but that's just not entertaining enough to make you laugh, so I made it my mission to snatch Zorro's....

zorro-underwear.jpg
 
insert_cliche_here said:
Lol, good on ya :P My mum often asks me in a somewhat flustered voice "where are my glasses?" to which my reply is lovingly "on top of your head you senile old bat!"
Thanks for reminding me that my parents are pretty cool sometimes <3 :)
Click to expand...

Lol, well im under 30. and i just did it once but i was horrified that i did :blush:

I gtg but i hope you feel better!
 
Yuck, bird! Ewwwwww!

Ang, you're a cool mofo, and your FB posts often crack me up.

I saw this for the first time, the other day. Gave me a good laugh:

why_so_serious_jack_nicholson_joker_autograph_heath_ledger_Why_So_Serious-s453x634-39510-580.jpg
 
omg bird, thankyou for blinding me you sick woman!

But here's my joke for you, I tell this to people all the time and everyone laughs. Hard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcdgvoKtpsg
 
Lol, this conversation makes me think of the Futurama episode where Bender thinks he's a penguin and the Jackass skit called the yellow snowcone. Do people actually eat snow?
Cf, <3
You guys are great, much love <3 :D
 
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