The universe is kinda kicking my head in right now, anyone got any words to make me smile?

Heh. This is kinda lame, but it's 3am, and this is kinda the only place I can think of to go for some cheering up. By actual humans, as opposed to a website with lots of funny pictures contributed by faceless people (those aren't working any more).

So yeah. Who's got a joke or something?

This joke works 99.987% of the time:

___________________

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

____________

How'zat? :)

Lol. That was pretty funny. I have a feeling people with a corporate background might find it funnier though. I don't really know what a consultant is...
Thank you <3 I laughed, which means mission accomplished :)

A word to make you smile: Chickenmonkey.

Hmm, I have a sneaking suspicion that's not a word. But it still made me snort on my cereal, so thanks <3 :)

This joke works 99.987% of the time:

___________________

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

____________

How'zat? :)

lololol!

@insert: I once searched my pockets for my wallet while unconsciously holding it in my other hand the whole time...

How about the cleanest dirty joke I know...

A young boy is at the zoo with his parents. They are looking at the elephants and the boy is staring very hard at an old bull elephant with a quizzical look on his face. Finally he walks over to his mother and asks "Mommy, what's the big long thing on the elephant" to which his mother replies "That's his trunk dear." "No mommy, further back." "That's his tail." "No mommy, up just a little further." Mom gets flustered and tells her son "Ummmm.... that's nothing dear."

The young boy keeps staring at the elephant. Finally he walks over to his father and asks "Daddy, what's the big long thing on the elephant?" "That's his trunk, son." "No daddy, further back." "That's his tail, son." "No daddy, up just a little more. Mommy said it was nothing."

"Son, your mother's been spoiled."

Lol, good on ya :p My mum often asks me in a somewhat flustered voice "where are my glasses?" to which my reply is lovingly "on top of your head you senile old bat!"
Thanks for reminding me that my parents are pretty cool sometimes <3 :)

I've always thought underpants to be a funny word, but that's just not entertaining enough to make you laugh, so I made it my mission to snatch Zorro's....

http://www.stevenhumour.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/zorro-underwear.jpg

Lol, odd that they don't have more kids :p
I'll have to try and remember that one, thanks <3 :)

Oh bird. That is gross. And made me go 'eeeeeew' while smiling in that way that means one is disgusted while also being amused. Love it <3 :) thanks

Lol, good on ya :p My mum often asks me in a somewhat flustered voice "where are my glasses?" to which my reply is lovingly "on top of your head you senile old bat!"
Thanks for reminding me that my parents are pretty cool sometimes <3 :)

Lol, well im under 30. and i just did it once but i was horrified that i did :blush:

I gtg but i hope you feel better!

Yuck, bird! Ewwwwww!

Ang, you're a cool mofo, and your FB posts often crack me up.

I saw this for the first time, the other day. Gave me a good laugh:

http://files.sharenator.com/why_so_serious_jack_nicholson_joker_autograph_heat h_ledger_Why_So_Serious-s453x634-39510-580.jpg

BRB! Gonna find Godzilla's drawers. :devil:

omg bird, thankyou for blinding me you sick woman!

But here's my joke for you, I tell this to people all the time and everyone laughs. Hard.

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omg bird, thankyou for blinding me you sick woman!

But here's my joke for you, I tell this to people all the time and everyone laughs. Hard.

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I knew it!

...Those tuxedo wearin' sons'abitches.

omg bird, thankyou for blinding me you sick woman!


Me aims to please...and revolt.:)

BTW, if I ever find funding for my Snoweater script, I'm going to hire you for the part of Graceful Pearce.

It's a deal.

edit: As long as I don't have to eat any yellow snow.

It's a deal.

edit: As long as I don't have to eat any yellow snow.

Lol, well, not in the first act you don't. :D

Lol, this conversation makes me think of the Futurama episode where Bender thinks he's a penguin and the Jackass skit called the yellow snowcone. Do people actually eat snow?
Cf, <3
You guys are great, much love <3 :D

In Soviet Russia film can watch deeez, if you please...Hope you feel better.:)

while driving along a road with a high overlook of an industrial area, my 4 year old daughter asked from the back seat.. "whats that Daddy?" I guess and said "factories honey" seeing the smokes stakes and billowing plumes off steam... my 4 year old leans to her older sister.. "look Sissy, Cloud Factories!"

while driving along a road with a high overlook of an industrial area, my 4 year old daughter asked from the back seat.. "whats that Daddy?" I guess and said "factories honey" seeing the smokes stakes and billowing plumes off steam... my 4 year old leans to her older sister.. "look Sissy, Cloud Factories!"

Where does it go? The wonderful ignorance of youth.

Pretty clouds fill rooms,
while mom begs to be let out.
Who fills rooms with smoke??

Haiku by: Murdock

Do people actually eat snow?

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The ignorance of youth. But cute.

Pretty clouds fill rooms,
while mom begs to be let out.
Who fills rooms with smoke??

Haiku by: Murdock

That was kinda macabre. Im sorry. Here's a happy one...

Clear and crisp they sing
cool mixes with the humid
Eden is after the rain.

Do people actually eat snow?


Oh, I forgot you are cryonically challenged down there (and by there I mean 'under').

Yes, most people who grew up in areas with real winters have eaten snow. It's just something you do as a kid. And maybe as a drunken adult :rolleyes: It is actually quite refreshing :D

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@Dready:

I tell that joke all the time as well. i love it. but mine ends with the penguin saying, "Maybe i am."

while driving along a road with a high overlook of an industrial area, my 4 year old daughter asked from the back seat.. "whats that Daddy?" I guess and said "factories honey" seeing the smokes stakes and billowing plumes off steam... my 4 year old leans to her older sister.. "look Sissy, Cloud Factories!"

Aww, that's so cute >.<

I like your haikus Murdock :)

It snows in Australia! It just doesn't snow where I live. You're all just jealous cause you don't have, umm, blow flies? No, that's not good. Umm, bridges! Wait, you have those too. Shit. Oh! I know, a history of white Europeans coming in and slaughtering the native peoples, raping their women and treating them like savages while committing acts that wouldn't get past the UN wars crimes judiciary if it had existed back then, and generally condeming the people who were here first to generations of poverty, poor health, stigma, prejudice and hatred, oh wait. Never mind. Who doesn't have that?
Oh! Aha! BEER! We have the best beer in the - oh yeah, Germany. Dammit.

How to catch a Polar Bear: 1. Cut a hole in the ice 2. Place peas around the hole 3. When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole. :) RIMSHOT!!

Aww, that's so cute >.<

I like your haikus Murdock :)

It snows in Australia! It just doesn't snow where I live. You're all just jealous cause you don't have, umm, blow flies? No, that's not good. Umm, bridges! Wait, you have those too. Shit. Oh! I know, a history of white Europeans coming in and slaughtering the native peoples, raping their women and treating them like savages while committing acts that wouldn't get past the UN wars crimes judiciary if it had existed back then, and generally condeming the people who were here first to generations of poverty, poor health, stigma, prejudice and hatred, oh wait. Never mind. Who doesn't have that?
Oh! Aha! BEER! We have the best beer in the - oh yeah, Germany. Dammit.

We don't have dingos that wanna eat your baby. That's something, eh?

And yes, snow is a wonderful thing to eat. You don't wanna dig into any old snow -- it's gotta be fresh, and undisturbed. Even an adult can enjoy that simple joy.

You would think me of all people would get the penguin joke,

But I honestly don't. "What makes you think I'm not"? I dont get it - maybe my IQ has dwindled.

Anyway - hope you feel better, Cliche. Hope I had something better to say. I'm not funny when I'm put on the spot, you know.

You would think me of all people would get the penguin joke,

But I honestly don't. "What makes you think I'm not"? I dont get it - maybe my IQ has dwindled.

Anyway - hope you feel better, Cliche. Hope I had something better to say. I'm not funny when I'm put on the spot, you know.

Penguins look like they are wearing tuxes. How do you tell if they are not actually wearing tuxes. And y would a penguin wear a tux anyway since it wouldnt make it look any different.

This discussion of the penguin joke reminds me of a joke I used to butcher the hell out of.

When I was in a wedding band, one of the early guitar players (we went through a few) had a favorite joke:

A pair of goldfish are sitting in a tank. One of them looks at the other and asks, "hey, you know how to drive this thing?"

He thought it was the best joke ever, and wouldn't stop telling it. Me, in my typically sarcastic fashion, would occasionally tell the joke onstage, except I would change the wording so that it made absolutely no sense. The drummer would do one of the bah-dom-ching punchline hits, and everyone in the audience would have a blank, confused glaze over their eyes, while me and the drummer laughed inside.

Thanks Roc, I am feeling better. One major problem has finally been resolved, so I'm feeling quite positive. For the moment at least :p

Oh Cf, you are a character. The penguin joke is still just making me think of that episode of Futurama. I just got up & went to by dvds to see what it's called- The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz.
I know what I'm talking about. Futurama is awesome :D

You would think me of all people would get the penguin joke,

But I honestly don't. "What makes you think I'm not"? I dont get it - maybe my IQ has dwindled.

Anyway - hope you feel better, Cliche. Hope I had something better to say. I'm not funny when I'm put on the spot, you know.

It's not a joke you can explain. I don't even know why it's funny. But to paraphrase Garrison Keillor (who I stole the joke from), I suppose it's funny because people laugh.

about eating snow..

Ritual winter treat with me and the fam...

First big snow, sugar, milk and vanilla = snow pudding

You people realise snow is just water right? You go eat your snow & I'll eat my vegemite :p

Yeah, but you only say that cuz you're not really familiar with snow. In an urban environment, it gets gross, really quickly. That's why you gotta eat it fresh, while it's all powdery and pure.

I was on a trip to the mountains at an Oregon Summer School with a bunch of foreign exchange students from Japan.

They had never seen snow before.

When they saw snow, they were so excited and tried to bring it home with them in containers and empty water bottles.

I didn't have the heart to tell them it is frozen water and would melt...

ROC, did u get the penguin joke btw?

Sorry! Yeah! You explained it so well I didn't even think to reply - lol thanks.

Np, i was just curious to know if you'd gotten it or not :)

catch u later.

Vegemite > snow. that's all i'm gonna say :p

Spam & Rice > Vegemite

I'm just guessing, actually, I've never had Vegemite. But Spam & Rice, with ketsup, is so much more delicious than most people would probably imagine.

Spam & Rice > Vegemite

I'm just guessing, actually, I've never had Vegemite. But Spam & Rice, with ketsup, is so much more delicious than most people would probably imagine.

I think Spam in general is under rated.

Another poor meal. Instant rice with tomatoe sauce. Just put a lot of salt on it.

Just about the only guy that can make me smile these days is Jeff Dunham.

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Didn't that guy have a show on TV? I must have been 6 years old watching that...

He'd take them out of the trunk - he had a disgruntled cowboy or something, and then he'd talk while drinking water, right?

Yeah, not such a big fan of spam... mostly probably because of the whole not eating meat thing, lol.
Omg, my ex boyfriend LOVED Jeff Dunham. Personally I prefer David Strassman :p I have a Tedd E. Bear that talks when you press his hand. He asks you to tickle his tummy and tells you that he likes chocolate and dobs on Chuck. <3