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watch Short film script feedback and advice

Scene 1:streets

David (17) is walking in a fast pace as he sees a man following him, he quickly walks into an office slamming the door behind him.

(camera looks upwards at the office sign indicating its a therapist's office).

Scene 2: Therapist office

Dr. Jones

Can you remember anything from before the accident David?

David doesn't respond as his starring at a letter opener knife on the table.

DR. JONES

David,i know its hard but were not going to get anywhere if you don't talk to me.

DAVID

Hard? i felt nothing, i buried my brother and felt nothing (head down and hands shaking).

DR. JONES

It's alright David I'm here to help you. I want to try an activity with you; i need you to lie down.

David doesn’t move

David if you’re not going to work with me your wasting my time.

David lies down

Now close your eyes and listen to my voice. Your name is David Your name is David Renalds... you are 17 years old... your parents names are Joseph and Sarah Renalds...

His voice slowly drifts away


(The camera pans David's body stopping at his neck)

Scene 3: Flashback

David has a flashback of him drowning a woman

(Shot from David's point of view.)

Scene 4: therapists office

David jumps up panicking - gasping for air.

DR. JONES

What was it David, did you remember anything?

David's eyes wandering the room while breathing heavily

DAVID

How long have you been a therapist?

DR. JONES

thats not relevant?

DAVID

HOW LONG?

DR. JONES

David calm down…

DAVID

Are you even a real therapist?

David picks up the knife and stands up pacing

A therapist wouldn't have a knife out in the open when dealing with mentally unfit patients.

David holds the knife to the therapist neck

Scene 5: Flashback

David has a flashback of him drowning a woman

(Shot from David's point of view.)

Scene 6: therapist office

DAVID

You did this to me; tell me who's following me?!?!?

David searches the office

DR. JONES

David you’re paranoid , you hear what you want to hear and see what you want to see.

Dr. Jones gets up from his seat and slowly walks to David.

DAVID

SIT DOWN!!!

David threatens him with the knife and Dr. Jones sits back down.

DR. JONES

David i know who i am, I'm the one trying to help you, do you know who you are?

David tapes the therapist to his chair and takes the therapist shoes off and shoves his sock's in his mouth then tapes it in place.

David

I know that I'm not crazy...

David leaves as the therapist yells through the sock.

Scene 7:Streets

On the street David feels everyones eyes drawn to him, he also sees that a man is following him, he begins to run and the man follows.

Dr. Jones Narration

Your paranoid David you hear what you want to hear and see what you want to see.

David continues to run while ignoring the voices. He disappears around a corner. David appears behind the man and stabs him in his back.David's shaking as he looks down at the body. He bends down and picks up a piece of paper and a pen.

Dr. Jones Narration

Your name is David Renalds, you are 19 years old, your parents names are Joseph and Sarah Renalds,you were inspired by your mother to act at an early age and now you are famous.

He drops to his knees and his eyes begin to water.

Scene 8: Flashback

David has a flashback of him drowning a woman

Director

CUT!!!
 
Hey Dion. There are two major problems with the script: clarity and format. I recommend that you go onto a website called 'Scriptorama', which is full of feauture film scripts. If you read a few of those, I'm sure you will learn a lot. I would also download a programme (if you haven't already) that can format scripts for you. I use 'Celtx', which is free. Good luck.
 
The story and dialog are coming along very nicely, but that format is driving me to madness.

That's certainly not a big deal though. You're on the right track.
 
This might sound like there is an echo.

So...I'll go ahead anyway. Formatting, read a few scriptwriting manuals, as many screenplays as you can- most screenplays are easy to get a hold of, they'll be on the net somewhere. With the stern template of the screenwriting books, and the techniques employed by other directors in their screenplays, you'll learn to develop your own style somewhere in the midst of both.

A couple of the guys have posted a couple of links so no doubt you'll be up to scratch if you go ahead and check them out. I agree, 'Celtx' for sure, easy to use.

A few issues with grammar, yet that's forgivable, just check your work a thousand times over. The story worked well, a nice twist at the climax.

Congrats man, be sure to let us know if you go filming this bad boy.
 
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