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watch Delivery Day

Tinalera

Tinalera

After hemming and hawing a year or so, I've finally put a rough cut of my first short, Delivery Day", online.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5jPKsKuh-c

Lighting and Sound are issues, I know. This is rough cut of (hopefully) more polished and bit longer version I may show later. I'm really looking more feedback on stuff like the shots, story, ect.

Like I said, sound and lighting are issues....I know this :)

Let me know what you think:)
 
Okay - now I know where your avatar came from.

I watched it.

I got that this person is waiting for something to be delivered. Then it finally comes and it's another mask. Then the person decides to keep the mask he/she has on and then leaves to go outside.

Honestly something was going on in my studio and I got a bit distracted at the end but what was the message?

I got that the person decided to go outside no matter what people thought of him/her.

It's very good for a rough cut I thought.

This film has great potential for sound design because there is no dialogue.

Careful though, if sound design isn't done exactly right it could turn out more eerie than I think you want it to be.
 
ROC said:
Okay - now I know where your avatar came from.

I watched it.

I got that this person is waiting for something to be delivered. Then it finally comes and it's another mask. Then the person decides to keep the mask he/she has on and then leaves to go outside.

Honestly something was going on in my studio and I got a bit distracted at the end but what was the message?

I got that the person decided to go outside no matter what people thought of him/her.

It's very good for a rough cut I thought.

This film has great potential for sound design because there is no dialogue.

Careful though, if sound design isn't done exactly right it could turn out more eerie than I think you want it to be.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback!

One thing that wasn't clear, and I guess either way it doesn't matter, she actually does put on the different mask(though hey, I could go with what you said, see if people point out a non existent "continuity" error lol). One of the problems after I filmed it was the mask wasn't "different" enough. I didn't make that clear enough I know...oh well lol

Yea, the ending is a bit understated, and I have a longer version which I haven't posted where she goes out and finds another mask and....well, I'll let you see it then(and your feedback encourages me to post it at some time ;)). It's about identity, and about now liking the face she has-but in the longer(long meaning about 7 min longer)version-she learns it's more about herself. Sometimes I think that the uncertain ending has a bit of an artistic charm all it's own ;). Because of the length I may put the longer version on Vimeo, as youtube only allows 10 min, and I don't want to chop it up.

Basically I used the camera mic for the shots, what if anything could I do to "scrub out" the "burbling" sound do you think in editing? As for the lighting, thought I add-I shot it in daylight, without any clue of "daylight bulbs" or other lighting or window gels (I quickly was reminded about colour temp and how the light can appear different-but it kind of worked moodwise). As for Eerie....I dunno, maybe I should add a knife welding scene or something! :lol:

Again, thank you for the comments. This is the first short I've done, and was anxious as hell about how it would be received(like all first timers I think).
 
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Hi! Nice job, I wish my first short was that nice :)

My one point of feedback was that the pacing was very slow to me. I had a couple of "I get it, she's waiting for the delivery" moments.

I think that once you work on the sound design that could really help the pacing though and as ROC points out the lack of dialogue gives you a lot of lee-way to work with. Are you purposely avoiding music? If so, I think you need to create an ambient atmosphere that has a similar effect in terms of movement/build-release/emotion that music does.

Do you still have access to the location/any sound recording equipment other then your camera? Because if so, I think it would probably be easier just to capture new sound then to try to fix the burbling in post.. Your on-board mic sounds particularly noxious and even the "best" in-camera mic is never good...

Again, congrats on your 1st project!
 
Hey -

Not sure on the burbling. You do have Adobe Audition. What tools do you have available to you? Maybe I can help direct you.

I would suggest trying to get an ambience track to use (room tone) throughout the film and change it by adding in AC rumble or something to change the perspective to sell that you're in another room of the house. The buzz I hear on the camera mic is a bit too much I think.

Jeez - like I said I think this could be awesome for sound design.

I remember seeing a film that had a scene like this where you just followed someone like this and the sound effects were way over-done like he puts down a salt shaker and what was used for it was a huge bang or something.

Like I said I apologize but I got a bit distracted.

Very well done -

And don't worry. Everyone's first film is difficult to show to other people.
 
Well you know that sound and lighting are issues so i wont go there.

I can understand how some people had probs with the pacing but i didnt. I think its mainly because ive always had a fascination with masks (i have a small collection of venetian masks) and was intrigued by the storyline. I liked it a lot! I plan on doing a short with some of my masks as soon as i think of a story myself. Not for a while though, i have a couple of other things im working on at the moment.

One thing though. You know the shot where you open the door and see the package for the first time. The end of that shot was extremely still. It distracted me a bit because i did not know whether the video was frozen or not. Just a little movement there wouldve kept the shot as your POV which it was supposed to be.

Anyways, congrats and thanks for sharing! I wouldnt mind if i saw some more mask shorts from you!
 
Thanks for all the comments so far! I will say I'm getting a better response that I thought I would.

I think I can work the sound, as has been suggested. Re-recording a new soundtrack with more ambivent sounds(maybe cars going by, AC, whatever). Have to get a better mic though.

As for the first shot getting the package, I think it may just be the character stood a second too long, I don't think I did it intentionally. Have to check it again.

As for lighting, that's tougher if I use that footage, other than reshooting, and may just have to suck it up being a first film. I've have thought about reshooting with better lighting, ect. I still would keep this one though, it has its own personality. I find that each film does have its own personality. Like I said, I didn't have any daylight bulbs or gels(didn't even think of it) I just did it.

A little history about this short. The idea came to me at about 2 in the morning, and I, along with trusty camera and help from my better half, shot most of it within a relatively short time. I've edited back and forth(as well as finding a ghostly sounding "that's better" voice on one track-when I was alone in the house filming(I left it out of the short)!

As I said in an earlier post, there is more to this story that I filmed(she actually goes outside the house and around town-the library and waterfront-yes actually being at the library in that getup ;)). Your comments are encouraging me to put it on(if I can just clean up the sound....:))


Ernest-I left you a mail in your box. I too am fascinated with masks, and it's nice to meet a kindred spirit!
 
Rather than reshooting, just redo the sound and it will be so much better!

Let us know when you post the longer version. I'd like to see the library scene! :)
 
Good job. Some pointers/things I noticed:


*In the beginning the random shots of things, I think the angles look good, but it was kind of confusing in that I didn't know where I was or what I was really looking at (I'm guessing it's meant to be ambiguous at the beginning, but I think you've inadvertently broken the 180 rule by not establishing where you 'line' was in the first place.)
An example of a cut you did that looked good and didn't confuse me was when you go from the medium shot of you to the close up shot, that was perfect. Also, are you trying to show the passage of time like all those things are happening and she(you) is (are) waiting and waiting? If that's the case, one trick that might help would be to just do a quick fade to black and back in between each.

*The piece would seem a lot tighter if you made some of these shots shorter in length. There was a sequence of shots near the beginning that could have been half as long and conveyed as much information. Like I said before, if your trying to convey the passage of time, fade out/in is a subtle way to show the audience that, we are all trained to know that a fade means that unconsciously.

*Some music could go a long way. Not only would it set the mood, but it would help keep us interested during those longer shots.

*One thing I think would be cool, but this is just a style thing, not really a criticism of your short, is if when you need to show emotion (and your wearing a mask so that makes it hard) maybe instead of trying to mime out the emotions or reactions with your body, change masks to one with the proper emotion. You said you are a collector of masks so this probably is a possibility for you, no?

*If you want to fix the sound, that could be easy with this piece as it's silent. Two step (sort of) process: 1) Remove all audio tracks in your editing software. 2) Add in sound effects/art i.e.: get a file of a faucet dripping and line it up etc. This will actually fix any sound problems you've got, as you will have deleted all of the bad sound and replaced it only with clean sound. All that's needed it to make the levels of the individual sounds sound natural (not that that is necessarily easy).

*How did the package get there without a stamp or address on it? Was that on purpose?

*I think your angles are good, you are getting good camera movement in shots as well. (i'm jealous of your extra pair of hands)

*Your mixture of the POV shot and the shot from up on the balcony, maybe it was just because it went straight from one to the other that it stood out to me, but you seem to intermingle them a lot, and I'm not sure if that actually breaks rules, but I think you need to decide on your perspective. The POV makes us feel like we're walking in the characters shoes, it's a very personal intimate kind of thing, so we can see through their eyes. Your choice of using that for picking up the package works because it seems like that package was the only thing she could see, a tip for making it better might be to add a little vignetting on the POV shots, like she has tunnel vision only for the package.
Like I said, that was a good use, but then you switched to that shot from the balcony, like we are spying. That's a far cry from the intimate look we were just privy to. That shot was ok, but I think for this piece the intimate style would serve you better. Maybe instead of the balcony shot you could have the camera then be from the packages perspective looking back up at her?

*What happened with the other mask? Did she put it on? Which one was she holding and why did she leave?


I hope none of that came of mean because I certainly don't mean it that way. Can't wait to see the second draft :)
 
Dreadylocks said:
Good job. Some pointers/things I noticed:


*In the beginning the random shots of things, I think the angles look good, but it was kind of confusing in that I didn't know where I was or what I was really looking at (I'm guessing it's meant to be ambiguous at the beginning, but I think you've inadvertently broken the 180 rule by not establishing where you 'line' was in the first place.)
An example of a cut you did that looked good and didn't confuse me was when you go from the medium shot of you to the close up shot, that was perfect. Also, are you trying to show the passage of time like all those things are happening and she(you) is (are) waiting and waiting? If that's the case, one trick that might help would be to just do a quick fade to black and back in between each.

*The piece would seem a lot tighter if you made some of these shots shorter in length. There was a sequence of shots near the beginning that could have been half as long and conveyed as much information. Like I said before, if your trying to convey the passage of time, fade out/in is a subtle way to show the audience that, we are all trained to know that a fade means that unconsciously.

*Some music could go a long way. Not only would it set the mood, but it would help keep us interested during those longer shots.

*One thing I think would be cool, but this is just a style thing, not really a criticism of your short, is if when you need to show emotion (and your wearing a mask so that makes it hard) maybe instead of trying to mime out the emotions or reactions with your body, change masks to one with the proper emotion. You said you are a collector of masks so this probably is a possibility for you, no?

*If you want to fix the sound, that could be easy with this piece as it's silent. Two step (sort of) process: 1) Remove all audio tracks in your editing software. 2) Add in sound effects/art i.e.: get a file of a faucet dripping and line it up etc. This will actually fix any sound problems you've got, as you will have deleted all of the bad sound and replaced it only with clean sound. All that's needed it to make the levels of the individual sounds sound natural (not that that is necessarily easy).

*How did the package get there without a stamp or address on it? Was that on purpose?

*I think your angles are good, you are getting good camera movement in shots as well. (i'm jealous of your extra pair of hands)

*Your mixture of the POV shot and the shot from up on the balcony, maybe it was just because it went straight from one to the other that it stood out to me, but you seem to intermingle them a lot, and I'm not sure if that actually breaks rules, but I think you need to decide on your perspective. The POV makes us feel like we're walking in the characters shoes, it's a very personal intimate kind of thing, so we can see through their eyes. Your choice of using that for picking up the package works because it seems like that package was the only thing she could see, a tip for making it better might be to add a little vignetting on the POV shots, like she has tunnel vision only for the package.
Like I said, that was a good use, but then you switched to that shot from the balcony, like we are spying. That's a far cry from the intimate look we were just privy to. That shot was ok, but I think for this piece the intimate style would serve you better. Maybe instead of the balcony shot you could have the camera then be from the packages perspective looking back up at her?

*What happened with the other mask? Did she put it on? Which one was she holding and why did she leave?


I hope none of that came of mean because I certainly don't mean it that way. Can't wait to see the second draft :)
Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback! I'll just write a bit now, more detail later:

First off-the mask*sigh*. She actually does put on the second mask(got to look closely unfortunately), but with the switching back and forth is pretty ambiguous. A teaser though-it isn't the last one she wears in the longer version(oooo, suspense ;))

As far as the POV shot-I actually edited that out in the longer version-all we see in the newer one is the door opening and light streaming in-you never see the outside until she actually steps outside the door and heads outside(in the longer piece). It didn't work as well as I expected, and the "mysterious" look of the door works better(I think) when you see it.

I'm really trying to avoid music, but others have suggested the sound effects as well, so I'll probably put put them in. I was thinking about doing just what you(and others) suggested- deleting the soundtrack and rerecording(with a better mic) the sound effects and hopefully get rid of the "noise" or burbling.


As I said, I'll go in greater detail later. What I am impressed with is that the story, from what I'm reading from everyone, essentially works, and I'm happy to see that. Sound can be fixed. I can do some little other editing(though lighting may be out of the question short of reshooting). The responses I'm getting are FAR more than I would dared hope in positive, constructive fashion.

I thank all of you who have commented and given feedback, and given me more encouragement to tidy up and put out the "full" version(it's a littler longer, about 14 min).

I have a lot of info to work with here, and that's great :)
 
Just a followup on a couple of Dreadylocks points:

Some of the scenes are shorter in the longer version(if that makes sense ;)). A while ago I took a look at it and edited scenes which I thought were maybe a little long.

The package-yea, that's deliberate. I wanted to give the impression that what she was getting wasn't something gotten through normal channels, therefore more anonymous.

I agree with the mask/emotions. I tried to fix it a little bit in the newer version with her doing a little more after she leaves the house. I also didn't want to do too many movements and appear like Marcel Marceau :lol: Trying to find the balance.

And you certainly didn't come across as mean :) You were very constructive and gave good advice while letting me know things that did work out well. I appreciate how much detail you and the others have gone into, and I'm seeing some ideas repeating (sound obviously being the biggest). As ROC said, I guess it's easier that there's no dialogue, so fixing without having to worry about cutting people out is an advantage.


I am full of eagerness to get to adjust the longer version for you all to see, making the corrections where I can-I mainly need to see about getting a decent outside mic to rerecord the effects.

I shall keep you all posted, and thank you(yet again!) for the comments so far!
 
I really like the character lot.

Its your 1st short, so yeah it could be tighter (shorter shots, better visual depiction of waiting, lighting, post sound FX ) of course, and I think music could help, but at the same time I like the.. “Anticipation” that gathers in absence of being driven by music.
For a 1st short it’s a great start.

In the future (with additional resources) I think it could be cool if you could bring us deeper into the character’s world in a larger sense- Like character turns on the TV, and a news anchor has on a mask, character changes the channel and a used car sales guy also has a mask on, the character looks out the window and kids run past in masks. On a shelf a framed family photo, the whole family has masks on.

Overall- I think you have a weird/cool character to build on.
(It will be interesting to see how you tweek it, and what you will do next.)

- Thanks-
 
Buddy Greenfield said:
I really like the character lot.

Its your 1st short, so yeah it could be tighter (shorter shots, better visual depiction of waiting, lighting, post sound FX ) of course, and I think music could help, but at the same time I like the.. “Anticipation” that gathers in absence of being driven by music.
For a 1st short it’s a great start.

In the future (with additional resources) I think it could be cool if you could bring us deeper into the character’s world in a larger sense- Like character turns on the TV, and a news anchor has on a mask, character changes the channel and a used car sales guy also has a mask on, the character looks out the window and kids run past in masks. On a shelf a framed family photo, the whole family has masks on.

Overall- I think you have a weird/cool character to build on.
(It will be interesting to see how you tweek it, and what you will do next.)

- Thanks-
Click to expand...

I've certainly thought along the lines of building the character(I've already got my second short in the pre-planning, in this case still in my head, for the character). I like the idea of the masks in the world at large, and its an interesting idea....

wait a minute, you want you want a royalty, don't you, if this thing hit big! :lol:

Seriously, I like that take, and it would be an interesting voyage. I don't think I could make a half hour weekly series out of it, but occassional shorts with her and her life would be interesting. I'll have to see what I could do with it.

The updated, longer version has been edited a bit as far as certain shots, as I found some to be too "hey this is taking too long" department. Mainly working on redoing the sound.

All these great comments! Thanks for all the input so far!
 
Something that would be a good comparison to this would be the Forrest Gump scene where he comes home and is all alone in his house and they are silent scenes of him around his property. That had such an emotional impact on me.
 
ROC said:
Something that would be a good comparison to this would be the Forrest Gump scene where he comes home and is all alone in his house and they are silent scenes of him around his property. That had such an emotional impact on me.
Click to expand...


I take that as a very high compliment:blush:

I know something I haven't said was that the short was in done at a rather interesting time in my life. It was helping to bring some closure and some acceptance about stuff about myself-I won't go into greater detail here, other than there was a lot of emotion when I filming it and putting it together. :)

Like I said, as far as sound, I probably won't be able to get to work on it until next week-I want to find something better than the camera mic to record sound-and I don't have that presently.
 
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