Well, while I will not tell you that you fail, because I believe one learns better with positive re-enforcement. I will say it does need work.
I can see you were trying to work with a concept, which is good. I do feel the concept wasn't thought out enough. I would have pitched it to a few people and knocked around a few scripts before being set on anything.
I would've studied some more commercials as well. Look at what the competition is doing, study who your audience is. I think jumping into a project is a good thing but so is some research.
I also noticed you need to work on your productions skills. Lighting, shooting, editing, sound design. These are all very critical for a great commercial. I did notice that pacing wasn't to bad. One thing a lot of indie filmmakers struggle with is pacing. They can't see to let shots and scenes hit the editing room floor. They struggle with getting enough angles and cutting enough. You didn't do to bad on this. You still do need some work but not to bad overall on the pacing aspect.
Otherwise way to go. Some people don't even get this far, they just talk and talk, so good job. Take this as a learning experience. Good luck.