Hi everyone, I just found this forum today -- awesome stuff!!!

I thought it'd be great to get some feedback on a short film I just finished -- it's called "Hollywood Dreams" and is about an aspiring filmmaker (something I guess people here can identify with!) Let me know what you think!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tna5EbM5QvY

it was really good. you would be suprised how many film makers are actually like that. the actor was quite good. not ricky gerveis standard but quite good. ye i liked.

Well, my first note would be that the movie could be about half the length, maybe even less. A few of the jokes were a little bit too stressed and obvious. I thought it might have been a plan to pick out some of the funniest moments and build around them.

It feels a little like a first draft of the script; after a closer inspection of the text some of the stronger moments could have been developed a lot more

There were only a couple of times where I didn't see the joke coming

I feel this could be a really strong sketch, but like most great sketches, the subject matter consisted of about 45secs of laughing maximum.

Hey guys thanks for checking it out!!! I love the feedback!

That's one thing I still have trouble with: length. Whether it's screenplays or short films, I just can't get them down to a good length. I fall in love with stuff and can't bring myself to cut it. But I am getting better, I actually did cut a couple scenes from the movie this thread is about. And my first screenplay I ever wrote when I was 16, the first draft was 265 pages so nothing is as bad as that! :lol:

This was something of a first draft -- I actually wrote most of it years ago as something to potentially make and submit to Spielberg's reality show "On The Lot." (remember that? It was a bit of a failure, to put it lightly.)

I appreciate the feedback guys! I definitely will be submitting more stuff hear to get some more advice!