Struggling on some dialogue - need some advice

If anyone can give me some input on this I would greatly appreciate it - I just cant seem to get this scene to work to my satisfaction.

Its from a 6 page short and this is essentially the components making up ACT 2 and 3, the formatting has been screwed with. I did this on PC FD. When I open it on my mac to copy in here, everything gets screwed with so apologies for that.

I know what I want to acheive here, but the more I try to get it out the harder it seems.

The removal of shoes is a very Japanese thing - just in case your wondering.

InT. omotesando subway station --north-- mornING
Takahiro walks, head down, along the platform. Briefcase in one hand, newspaper in the other. A train screams by him. The noise is deafening.
Collision. A body slams into him sending him reeling. His briefcase flies from his hand and bounces on the tiled platform floor. Through the noise, confusion. The newspaper still in his hand, he retrieves his case. He turns on his assailant.
A schoolgirl. MINA SAITO, 16, scrambles on her knees picking up scattered papers, reordering them. Schoolbag by her side. She's a mess. Red face, tears on her cheek.
Takahiro bends toward her.
TAKAHIRO
Let me help.
She thrusts out her hand sending him back upright.
MINA
I've got it.
She waves him away and continues to clean up the mess of white sheets. There's so many. She drags her bag in front and in a crazed flurry begins grabbing handfuls, scrunching, shoving them into her bag. She pulls the zip hard across the top. Stands, pushes on almost running him down again. He sidesteps to clear the way. He watches her move down the platform. A shake of his head and back on route.
He stops on the spot Mina was kneeling. At his feet a x-mas card which he picks up. On the cover an oversized x-mas tree with Santa sailing across it in his sled. Below Santa in bright red glittered letters - Merry Christmas -
EXT. yaMAMOTO HOUSE -- doorstep -- day
A 6 year old Erika sits on the step. In her hands is a hand drawn x-mas card. A picture of a tree with presents underneath.

Footsteps. She looks up. A fresh looking Takahiro approaches her along the path. Black suit, black brief case.
Erika jumps up with a smile and runs toward him. He places his case down and lifts her into the air as she arrives. Arms tightly around his neck. She pushes back to see his face and holds the card out.
ERIKA
Merry Christmas, Papa.
He shifts her to his hip and takes the card.
INT. oMOTESANDO SUBWAY STATION --north-- morning
Takahiro, card in hand, face hard. He turns in the direction Mina left him.
INT. oMOTESANDO SUBWAY STATION -- south -- MORNING
Mina is at the furthest end of the platform, away from the bustle, alone. Her bag at her feet. She stands a short distance to the edge.
The sound of an approaching train. It's light shines deep from within the tunnel.
Mina removes her shoes and places them neatly on top of her bag. Closes her eyes, deep breathe. The sound of the train grows closer. She opens her eyes and runs toward the platform edge. She leaps. Arms reach in and grab her pulling her back. She goes down on the tiled platform. Laying on his back beside her is Takahiro trying to pull himself up.
The pair stare at each other. The train pulls to a stop. Doors open. PASSENGERS manoeuvre around them. An announcement, train doors bang shut, it pulls away.
Mina breaks off pulling herself to her feet. She recovers her shoes and bag and moves to a passenger bench. She sits and pulls her shoes back on.
Takahiro follows and walks toward her, holding out the x-mas card.
TAKAHIRO
You dropped this.

Ignored, he lets the card fall on top of her bag and moves to sit at the far end, four seats removed from her.
TAKAHIRO (CONT'D)
What's your name?
MINA
Haven't you done enough?
TAKAHIRO
I don't know what I'm meant to do.
MINA
Getting the fuck away from me would be a good start.
She turns her back on him.
TAKAHIRO
If you were my daughter I'd want someone to talk to you.
MINA
If you were my father I'd be dead.
He sniggers. She turns to him.
MINA (CONT'D)
You find that funny?
TAKAHIRO
Not funny. Unbeleivable.
MINA
My parents don't care.
TAKAHIRO
You told them?
MINA
No.
TAKAHIRO
Maybe if they knew how you felt.
She interjects.
MINA
Maybe this isn't your problem and you should just shut up. You don't know me. Probably don't even know your own daughter.
TAKAHIRO
I did once.
EXT. yaMAMOTO HOUSE --driveway-- day
Takahiro with the x-mas in one hand, 6 year old Erika on his hip. He's smiling.
ERIKA
Open it.
He flicks the cover in his fingers. The card is written in crayon and reads - Papa, I love you. Erika. -
INT. oMOTESANDO SUBWAY STATION --north-- MORNING
Takahiro and Mina sit in silence. Takahiro breaks it with a sniffle. A tear slides down his cheek. He quickly wipes it away.
He takes up his briefcase, stands and walks, stopping in front of her. Eyes ahead.
TAKAHIRO
Go home and talk to your parents.
His head drops. He walks away down the platform. A train pulls in beside him. He glances back. She's boarding.
 
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I'm not sure what you are after in terms of dialogue, but I think you could thin out the action which might lend things a bit more urgency and put the focus back on what little bit of dialogue you do have. For example, in the 1st scene, it doesn't take much to convey that situation as we've all seen or can easily imagine two ppl colliding with the results being a scatter of papers, but the quicker that action takes place, the more urgent or dependant the dialogue becomes within the scene. As you can see, I have pretty much told the same scene, just quicker.

INT.SUBWAY STATION-DAY

TAKHIRO (age), walks along the platform head down, briefcase in one hand, newspaper in the other. A train screams by. MINA SAITO (16), A red faced, teary eyed school girl, slams into him.

A flurry of papers hit the floor. She drops to her knees collecting them.

TAKAHIRO
I’m so sorry I didn’t see you.. are you hurt?

Silence.

TAKAHIRO
At least let me help.

He kneels down beside her.

MINA
(closes eyes)
You’ve done enough already, thank-you!!

She quickly stuffs a few handfuls of the papers into her bag, then stands, yanks the bag’s zipper closed and stomps off. Takahiro watches her go. He turns and notices a X-mas card on the ground.

-End of scene-

Just a suggestion :)
 
TAKAHIRO (CONT'D)
What's your name?
MINA
Haven't you done enough?
TAKAHIRO
I don't know what I'm meant to do.
MINA
Getting the fuck away from me would be a good start.
She turns her back on him.
TAKAHIRO
If you were my daughter I'd want someone to talk to you.
MINA
If you were my father I'd be dead.
He sniggers. She turns to him.
MINA (CONT'D)
You find that funny?
TAKAHIRO
Not funny. Unbeleivable.
MINA
My parents don't care.
TAKAHIRO
You told them?
MINA
No.
TAKAHIRO
Maybe if they knew how you felt.
She interjects.
MINA
Maybe this isn't your problem and you should just shut up. You don't know me. Probably don't even know your own daughter.
TAKAHIRO
I did once.
EXT. yaMAMOTO HOUSE --driveway-- day
Takahiro with the x-mas in one hand, 6 year old Erika on his hip. He's smiling.
ERIKA
Open it.

It seems to me that this your problem section.

The problem is a common one in dialogue and the best piece of advice I can give you is this.

People tell the truth with their bodies and hide the truth with what they say.

Except in very rare circumstances do people say what they mean -- instead they attempt to hide or obscure the truth.

People only tell the truth at exceptional moments in a screenplay.

So Mika would never say "My parents don't care" ... instead she'd say something that allowed us to infer that truth, but at the same time was a lie.

The other thing is, the easiest way to fix bad dialogue is to remove anything that isn't necessary.

So the same scene could go --

TAKAHIRO
You dropped this.
MINA
Get the fuck away from me!

He giggles -- drops the card on her lap -- scuttles off to a seat further down the carriage.
Mina stares at him
MINA
You find that funny? Your children must cherish every second you spend with them!

He whips his gaze to the floor, away from her -- shame and embarassment turns his face crimson.


Once you've cut the dialogue back -- then look at ways of improving it. Find ways of saying the same thing, without saying it.

So


TAKAHIRO
You dropped this.
MINA
If you're expecting me to blow you, there'd better be a twenty in there!

He giggles -- drops the card on her lap -- scuttles off to a seat further down the carriage.
Mina stares at him
MINA
You find that funny? Your children must cherish every second you spend with them!

He whips his gaze to the floor, away from her -- shame and embarassment turns his face crimson.

I don't know -- best I can do in five minutes.

Hope this helps.
 
Yes thank you so much guys. Sometimes getting stuck on something just tends to make the rewrite worse and worse. Those are great points and I should really trust my instincts a little more.
 
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