I've been having 'conversations' with a friend of mine and I just want to clarify a few things. If anything so I don't pass on bad advice. I think I remember reading (in the myriad of books I've read on writing scripts) that in the action, you never tell the emotion of a character...
Code:
DAVIE is talking to two girls in the hall. SUZY-Q runs up behind him and rudely interrupts.
DAVIE
...and that's when the bus
swerved and the dog-
SUZY-Q
Oh my Gawwwwwwd, you guys
will never guess what!
Davie drops his hands and shoulders. The excited look he had telling his story drooped
at Suzy-Q's interruption.
DAVIE
You lost your virginity.
Suzy-Q suddenly remembers why she hates Davie so much. She throws all her hate,
all her malice into one twisted retort.
SUZY-Q
Why do you have cum breath?
Are you allowed to put a characters emotions into the action? Is it good pratice, bad writing, lazy writing?
Thanks for any help with this.
My two cents...
Generally speaking, you don't write anything that can't be seen... However, it really depends on your project...
If you're simply writing something that you intend to shoot yourself, I would recommend going ahead and writing in the emotion IF, for no other reason, than it will alert the filmmaker what the writer's vision was for the particular scene or section of the scene.
If you were writing a spec or a script for competition, then no... You probably wouldn't want to write in an emotion that would cold-cock a reader and stop the flow of the read.
In your particular example, you indicate that Suzy-Q rudely interrupts. That's good information for us to know because you are giving us just that little bit more insight to the character AT THAT TIME. Cool. And, perfectly acceptable for a first draft EVEN if you're shooting this yourself.
However, when you eventually come back around to a polish and or rewrite, it's these little indications and reveals that do in fact ALERT you to figure out a BETTER WAY TO DO THE SAME THING.
I like clive's example but I might tackle it something like this...
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALL - DAY (*NOTE: I just made this assumption)
DAVIE gossips with two GIRLS -- SUZY-Q beelines toward them.
...and that's when the bus
swerved and the dog --
Suzy-Q barges in:
Oh my Gawwwwwwd, you guys
will never guess what!
You lost your virginity.
Suzy-Q retorts:
Why do you have cum breath?
--Okay, you'll see that I changed Suzy-Q's EMOTIONAL STATE and I'll tell you why. From reading what you originally wrote:
Suzy-Q suddenly remembers why she hates Davie so much. She throws all her hate,
all her malice into one twisted retort.
That statement conjurs up a young teenage girl that screams something totally different than "Why do you have cum breath?" Something a lot worse.
Your action statement really sets us up for this amazing outburst but then with her statement of "Why do you have cum breath?" -- you seem to reel us back in. I didn't feel that the pay off justified the set up. If you look up the word, RETORT, that's really all you need to CLARIFY Suzy-Q's emotion. Everything in your action statement LEADING up to TWISTED RETORT leads me to believe that this is REALLY GOING TO BE SOMETHING.
But then, it's simply a witty remark which is in fact what a retort is.
Of course YOU know exactly what you meant to write and what Suzy-Q's emotional state is at the time of her remark so you, as the writer could easily tweak it and CLARIFY it as needed.
I only point all this out because it's script passages like this that can cause simple confusion when it comes time for character development on the part of the actor...
Not that what you wrote is bad... I see it as something you wrote STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS... Which is great when writing that first draft... But CLARIFICATION is what polishing and rewrites are for... You want to make sure that EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED understands your vision so that there is absolutely no confusion. Everyone should meet at this minimum baseline... i.e., a MEETING OF THE MINDS.
Then, let talent and experience guide them from there.
I know directors that will take shooting scripts and a red sharpie pen -- go through the script and make ONE WORD NOTES in each scene that CLARIFIES the character's emotion AT THAT TIME because they are a little confused by how the writing reads. That's also why good directors do numerous run-throughs with the writer to insure that they know the writer's intention at every juncture of the script... They might change a character's emotional state because they think it plays better for that particular scene but they still need to know what the writer's vision was.
Bottom line...
Use your writing to pass on your vision so there's absolutely no confusion. That's one huge reason why I'm such a stickler for the perfect action verbs and adjectives. If you pick and choose the perfect words to clarify your vision to others, things just go a lot more smoothly...
Sorry for the rant but this is one of those areas of screenwriting that rarely gets discussed enough.
filmy
